Love and Lust
I was out with the musician today, and we had a weird exchange. We were talking about one of the girls he used to fool around with, a girl who had a profound effect on his sexuality, and he got really weird and withdrawn. He said they were romantically incompatible, but I also got the impression that the idea of never being with her again bothered him.
If I had to guess, and I do because we didn’t talk about it too much, I would guess that he’s never really been attracted to another girl as intensely as he was attracted to this one. But, I also get the impression she may have been a slightly evil manipulative bitch, and thus they were “romantically incompatible.” Unfortunately for the musician, he may be into slightly evil manipulative bitches, and so his romantic and sexual desires are at odds.
The thing is, I don’t think he is unique in this. Talking to him briefly about this girl made me wonder who I had been to the boyfriends in my past. Nearly all my boyfriends would describe me as “difficult,” but the ones who seemed to have the most difficulty getting over me would probably have described me far more negatively than that. At least two of them said “you’re not a horrible person, but you have to admit that you do horrible things.” (I do not admit that, by the way.) The guys who interpreted my actions the most negatively were also the ones who liked me the most. They always said that they liked me in spite of my horrible actions, but perhaps they liked me because of them. Or, more specifically, perhaps they were attracted to me because of them. More simply, one of my recent exes said to me “you’re difficult, but I always liked that about you.”
I suppose the most flagrant case was when I was going down on Sarah, Josh came in and sat on the side of the bed. I told him to get out because I was busy, and he stormed away furious, said goodbye to everyone and resolved never to see me again. But then, he changed his mind and came back and we had a huge argument about it where I refused to admit I’d done anything wrong (although clearly in his mind I had) and we magically somehow got back together. We had many arguments after that – Josh and I used to tear the shit out of each other – but he always wanted to date me afterwards.
And, if I’m completely honest (and it is with some shame that I admit this) I was really attracted to Josh. I always say that I never masturbate about my exes, but that’s not completely true. I masturbated about Josh once or twice. Even now, I’m really interested to know what he’s doing with his life. I suppose I sort of sadistically take a sort of pleasure when I hear things have gone wrong, but even that is weird because I am generally not a sadistic person. Chris always says that I was so attracted to him because he was one of my more conventionally physically attractive boyfriends, but I don’t think that was it. I don’t think I was attracted to him in spite of his being an asshole, I think I was attracted to him because he was an asshole.
I came to this realization a little while ago, but I never really talked about it much. It’s one of those things that raises uncomfortable questions when I think about what I should do. Should I follow my sexual desire, and date people who are assholes, or should I date nice people who I am less attracted to? My answer has always been I should hold out for someone who’s not an asshole who I’m still very attracted to – but what if I’m attracted to assholes? Then what?
The most obvious answer is that I should date nice guys, but fuck around with assholes. The only thing is, while I don’t have much morality, I don’t lie to people. The way I see it, is if I’m honest, then they can choose what they want to put up with and any problems I cause them are caused with their permission.
Another answer, one that I have actually seriously considered, is that I shouldn’t date at all and should instead focus on being a good friend (which seems far more consistent.) Many of my friends actually seem to be interested in this route, and eschew actual dating for casual encounters. Unfortunately, I am prone to emotional attachment even with casual encounters so for me not dating would probably lead to celibacy, but it still might be worth it.
What I practically do is switch off what type of guy I date. Sometimes I go for assholes, sometimes I go for nicer guys, but never really settle down with anyone for terribly long.
But, the whole love or lust riddle has a solution, I think, but it’s not a pleasant one. People always think of love as something easy and wonderful, but it’s not. It sounds harsh, but I think very few people really have the stomach for romantic love. I don’t think I do, actually, which is why I can’t imagine getting married.
You have to suffer for the person that you love. Few people are actually willing to do this – they’re happy to be “in love” while it feels fun but they’re unwilling to really look at their partner and see who they are. The simple fact is, when you get to know someone well, there are going to be some aspects of their desire that are going to be upsetting to you. Simply stated, you are not going to be the most beautiful, and the most intelligent, and the most funny, etc. person your partner dated. You will not be everything they always secretly imagined or hoped for as a child. You will not be the only person your partner is capable of having a deep attraction to. You will not be the best at every aspect of sex.
Either you will have to accept this, or your partner will have to lie to you about it to save your feelings. And, if you choose to accept this, it will be painful to acknowledge your own failings. But, if you don’t accept this, you will force your partner to repress their desire, and you will never know what they really feel for you. However, if you let them hurt you, then in a way they’ll become an asshole to you. An asshole is just an asshole because they make you sad sometimes, but they’re also hot because you can trust that their desire is genuine.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Straight Men and Normalcy
I was writing a diary entry on this, but then I thought what the hell, I’ll blog it instead.
One aspect of straight male sexuality that, personally, I find particularly boring is the desire to be normal. I hadn’t noticed this for a while because some of my friends are a little odd, but now that I think on it far more guys than girls that I’ve known have expressed concern about being normal. I was reading some advice from Dan Savage on how to get your boyfriend to go down on you (out of curiosity, not necessity) and he said you could use the straight man’s desire for normalcy against him. If you’re with a guy who refuses to eat you out, you just say “All my other boyfriends used to love eating me out – what are you a fag or something?” to shame him into oral sex.
When I first read this I was taken back a little. My personal conceptions, or perhaps idealizations, of masculinity ran sort of contrary to this. In my mind, a manly man was someone who was independent and resourceful, confident and outgoing, and physically or mentally strong. You know, someone sort of like Bear Grylls from Man vs. Wild. In my mind, this person seemed like the type of person who didn’t really care what other people thought about him. Worrying about being normal and fitting in – isn’t that the type of stuff bitchy little 8th grade girls care about?
But then I thought back to that time I stopped shaving, and I remembered the universal “straight male” response was that no “normal” guy would want to sleep with a girl who didn’t shave. When I pointed out that I had male friends from MIT who didn’t care, my “straight male” friends would always respond that that was because they were weird effeminate MIT kids, not normal men.
There were other incidents too, that stuck out in my mind. One was a drunken bet between a fairly manly “straight male” friend of mine and me that ended up with him having to give me a blowjob while I was wearing a strap on. Naturally, he was a little upset that I had won this bet (because, you know, he wasn’t a fucking fag) so I gave him a choice. I said he could either give me a strap on BJ and we could keep it secret, or we could tell everyone he had gone through with it but he wouldn’t actually have to do it. In my confusion about straight men, I assumed that he’d rather not do it but tell everyone that we had. I could see why he wouldn’t want to suck a fake dick, but why would he give a shit about what other people thought? I was completely wrong. He quickly said he’d rather do it and not tell anyone, but in the end we never actually went through with it (or do I just have to say that to keep my part of the bargain?)
While some aspects of this are sort of funny and manipulatable, (“all my other boyfriends used to carry my luggage for me, but I’ll just get it if it’s too heavy”) other aspects are annoying. Another trait several of my more “normal” boyfriends have had in common is the desire that their friends to approve of me physically. I must have spent ages 12-18 getting over the fact that I would never look like the girls on TV and in porn, but I eventually did grow up and get over it. As it turns out, a live imperfect girl in bed is 100 times better than the most beautiful girl in video. Most guys know this too, but they don’t express it openly (i.e. they are often willing to fool around with girls who are “less attractive” than they’d like to tell their friends about.) My boyfriends were usually happy when their friends said I was pretty, and my male friends will often gush about how attractive their girlfriends are. But, in my mind, who cares? If your girlfriend turns you on, who cares what your friends think? I have certainly weathered some mockery at times for a few of my boyfriends, but I could deal with it because I’m not a spineless fuck. Making a big deal about how your girlfriend looks (even if it’s positive) is just going to bring back those feelings she had when she was an insecure teenager, and why would you want to do that?
Anyway, I guess I’m calling all those “normal straight men” out. Having your own taste even when it’s controversial, or dating someone who your friends would tease you about, is a lot more difficult than benching 200 lbs (ok, that’s total conjecture as I’ve never benched anywhere near that.) Men often perform empty gestures of masculinity to make themselves feel better (I got news for you – any idiot can set up an IKEA desk) but shudder at the thought of doing something as simple as bringing a fatty to the office party. I mean, yeah, if you don’t get turned on by short women don’t date a 4′11″ girl just because she’s nice, but don’t be afraid to date one because people are going to think you’re weird. Caring about being normal is both boring and wimpy, and personally I can’t imagine myself ever bothering with someone who makes a big deal about stupid shit like that again. Well, unless I need tire changed that is.
Filed under: Masculinity | 8 Comments
How to Ask For a Kiss
This was a quick thought I had while I was procrastinating.
Previously, I always thought asking for a kiss was so unsuave. Whenever someone asked if they could kiss me I always thought “ugh, not anymore.” BUT I’ve changed my mind.
The other day someone asked to kiss me, and I was totally not repulsed by it. So what was the difference? The first few times people asked, they always said “May I kiss you?” or worse, sometimes they wouldn’t even ask they’d just say “I really want to kiss you.” How the hell do you respond to “I really want to kiss you”? (I just froze up, and straight up said “Oh my god, I feel so awkward right now” which is total failure on my behalf.) Those questions made me feel creepy, I’m not completely sure why, but possibly because they carried the implication that my allowing the other person to kiss me was doing them a favor.
The better question is “Do you want to kiss me?” because not only does it carry the implication that I’m kissing whoever because I want to, but the question is also just easier to answer. I don’t have to worry about “well, why shouldn’t s/he kiss me” or “how am I supposed to respond to his/her wanting to kiss me” – I just think am I in the mood for some kissing right now?
Not that I think you always have to ask explicitly, since you can often tell if someone wants to be kissed (here are some hints, do they like it when you touch them? do they casually touch you? have your faces been under a foot apart for more than like 30 seconds?) but if someone’s hard to read, or you just feel more comfortable asking, ask them what THEY want instead of requesting what you want.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Cock Tease Magic
So, this has been really pissing me off for a while but I just came across it again while reading Savage Love so I decided to write about it. Most people I’ve encountered, male, female, sexually liberated, and sexually conservative seem to agree on this – girls, don’t be a cock tease. Don’t turn a guy on if you have no intention of going anywhere with him – it’s just not nice.
So, why do people think girls even do the whole cock tease thing? Because they’re manipulative bitches? Because they’re man haters who like to see innocent boys suffer? Because they’re uptight and frigid and can’t admit what they really want?
Wait, here’s an idea, maybe girls like doing sexual things because it turns them on as well? Maybe, just maybe, some women find touching penises just as hot as some frat boys find touching breasts. Perhaps some women actually enjoy being active participants in their sexual encounters, could it be? I remember during one of my many periods of bad sex my frustrated boyfriend said to me, “Look I understand if you don’t want to have sex, I just wish you wouldn’t touch me and turn me on if you have no intention of going anywhere.” Fine, I thought, that seemed reasonable. So what happened?
Every time we made out, I would try not to turn him on if I wasn’t completely sure I’d be willing to have sex with him, which I never was. I became the passive party who was being awkwardly fondled by a guy who was trying not to get too turned on. Sounds hot, right? Our sex life went completely on hold until I finally broke down and said “Jesus Christ, how the fuck am I supposed to get turned on if you won’t let me touch you?”
Of course, I appreciated that he was a nice guy just trying to stop potential problems before they started. Things can get a lot worse because some guys, even otherwise nice guys, can be assholes in the bedroom. So yeah, there’s date rape, and I think everyone agrees that’s wrong. Duh. But there’s also just plain old whining and acting moody, which tends to get more sympathy (because you know, she led him on and all and so now he’s frustrated.) Thing is, there are a few things wrong with whining. Firstly, it doesn’t actually work. And the reason it doesn’t work is that a woman will only give in a few times before she is miserable. One time, when I was 16, I gave in to my boyfriend’s whining and had sex with him which I’m fairly sure inspired a diary entry which essentially said “I think the loneliest you can feel is when you are having sex.” And let me tell you, coming from my 16 year old self, that was saying something because when I was 15 I lived in a house in the middle of the woods and couldn’t drive yet. Both my parents traveled for work, and for a few weeks in the summer I would regularly go for like 5 days or so without seeing anyone (and I mean ANYONE – literally not another human.) That was lonely, but not as lonely as having sex with someone you feel completely disconnected from. And, as any woman who has felt that knows, you’ll do anything to avoid feeling it again.
The other thing that’s wrong with whining, however, is that it’s emotionally manipulative bullshit. Your average guy has jacked off every single fucking night since he was 13 – what difference is one more night going to make? It doesn’t feel as good, but I mean, it doesn’t feel *bad* does it? Guys have a way of making you feel so guilty about this, but when you think about this afterwards you realize that they’re assholes. The one time that comes to my mind is when I was going down on this guy (do I talk about my own sex life too much? whatever – it’s my blog) anyway, I was going down on this guy, and he was taking a while, and I was tired, and I just said “I’m tired, I want to stop.” He totally laid down the whole guilt trip thing, about how he would be frustrated, and it wouldn’t feel as good if he masturbated and blah blah blah. Me being me, I got pissed off and we got in an argument, but deep down (although I didn’t admit it) I actually felt sort of bad about it. But when I thought about it over the next few days it dawned on me what an asshole he was. You see, whenever we had sex, I didn’t orgasm. I had to finish myself off. Whenever he went down on me I didn’t orgasm, I had to help out or finish myself off. So why was what was good enough for me not good enough for him?
And I am sure this is not just me, because apparently something like 75% of women don’t orgasm from vaginal sex alone. So what does that mean? That means that they are either not orgasming, or have to give themselves a bit of a hand every now and then. So you know what? If you’re a guy and you’re turned on with a girl but she’s just not feeling it anymore, fucking suck it up or just jack off because women have been putting up with difficulty orgasming for ages. And shut the fuck up about all this cock tease bullshit because you know what, hard though it may be to absorb, it’s not about making boys miserable, it’s about turning girls on. So let her turn you on, but if she doesn’t want to go further, just be nice about it.
But, don’t take my word for it, see what Mystery (that master of pickup and seduction) has to say about it, just keep in mind you may not want to take all his evolutionary psychology bullshit at face value.
Filed under: Sex | 5 Comments
Tags: cock, cock tease, mystery, seduction, tease
What is it About Bettie Page?
Bettie Page just died at the age of 85, and I never really knew too much about her (after all, who did?) but something about her always caught my imagination.
One of the most interesting things about her was that, at least in recent years, women seemed to like her as much as (if not more than) men did. What was it about Bettie Page that appealed to women when so many modern day erotic models seem so repulsive?
Is it that her retro sexuality is tame and unthreatening compared to the women seen in modern images? Is it that her body, natural and unravished by plastic surgery, reminds us more of our own bodies than those of iconic women now? Do we admire her for her courage to model for photographs that were unacceptable at the time? Do we just like to see a sexy woman with black hair when it’s common knowledge that gentlemen prefer blondes?
Bettie Page once remarked that young women told her that she helped them come out of their shells. Her legacy seems important because she unifies people with diverging views on sexuality. Hailed by feminists, Hugh Hefner, and many people in between, she may hold the key to healing a sexual schism that exists in erotica today. If we can answer the question why we like Bettie Page, perhaps we can learn to differentiate between pornography that degrades and pornography that inspires.
What I see in Bettie Page is a woman, not a girl, with her own mind and desires. She became famous when she was around 28 and remained popular until she was about 34 when she decided to stop modeling for photographs but was still widely popular. Unapologetic and unashamed of who she was, she said “I was just myself. I didn’t know any other way to be, or any other way to live.”
She seems a far cry from the “barely legal” models of today who often don’t have the emotional maturity to fully appreciate what they’re doing. Apparently, the average age of first orgasm for women is 18 (here) and so the young girls you often see in porn are, in a way, sexual infants. Once I asked a friend of mine who was a stripper how old the girls were at her club, and she said that there weren’t any over about 27. Bettie Page didn’t really get started until she was 28!
In this perfection-oriented photoshop world, we can synthesize “ideal” women with perfect skin, hair, eyes, and breasts. But these synthesized women have no minds and no desires – they seem as soulless as androids. The young women in porn almost come across the same way – they look beautiful and perfect, but their desire seems fake and overdone as if they don’t know what real sex is like. To me, pornography becomes degrading when the desires of the women acting in it are obviously unimportant to the eroticism of it.
Bettie Page always seemed to be herself regardless of what pictures she was in. Whether she was posing on a beach, modeling with a whip in hand, or being spanked by a severe looking woman, she always seemed innocent and unashamed. Her pictures were an expression of some sort of inner essence she exuded which inspired women to express their own natures, instead of an embodiment of an impossible ideal that can only serve to highlight the supposed flaws of the real.
Filed under: porn | 1 Comment
Tags: Bettie Page, erotica, feminism, porn
I have about a million theories on why women lose their sex drive, some more conventional than others. Let’s start with the one that annoys me the most.
Birth Control and Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
Most of my female friends and I found that our sex drives plummeted when we started birth control (although a few said they didn’t notice anything). Some of them put up with it anyway, and others stopped using it. Despite the fact that often our doctors were mostly dismissive of our complaints, we now have science to back us up (look here). For a while, it’s been reported that women on birth control have lowered libidos while they are actually taking the pill, but it was just assumed that once a woman went off it her sex drive would return. However, now there is also evidence that it can reduce the amount of testosterone in a woman’s blood longer term possibly reducing her sex drive for years! That sucks!
Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD) is a recently discovered/invented disorder where women basically don’t get as horny anymore (see here). It’s a little controversial because some people think it’s basically made up because something like up to 43% of women show some degree of FSAD. How can it be a disorder when nearly half our female population displays it? Probably the doctors are mostly horny men who expect women to act like porn stars and if we were just more understanding of women’s needs everything would just work out- damn that patriarchy!
But wait, maybe there’s another expectation. You see, more than 80% of American women have been on birth control at some point (again, see here). Maybe the high rates of FSAD are related to the high rates of birth control usage. Maybe our pregnancy paranoia has actually caused a substantial percentage of our female population to come down with FSAD. Anyway, I don’t use birth control anymore and I would highly advise anyone thinking about birth control to look into all the potential side effects because your doctor probably won’t tell you about them.
Long Term Relationships
Many people I know have also often noticed that a woman’s sex drive also wanes when she’s in a long term relationship. In fact, some german study found the same thing – that essentially a woman’s sex drive drops when she’s in a secure relationship (here).
I have a few theories on why this is. My original and most basic theory was that sex with a new partner was better from some study I read ages ago that cited evidence that rats enjoyed sex more with new partners. However, now there’s some other study that rats actually often prefer partners that are “better” rather than newer (it’s complicated, read here). Also, anecdotally among the humans I know, sex with a new partner doesn’t usually seem better. But, among people who are bad in bed, newer partners are probably better if humans are like rats…? Whatever.
Anyway, the “newer is better” theory is out. I think the original finding, that women have lower sex drives in secure relationships may be significant. Supposedly arguments and makeup sex and whatever make things hotter (I can’t verify this myself as I don’t usually have the patience to stay around too long after a big argument). Many people in long term relationships will start caving in to their partner’s will and there will be more silent resentment and less argument and this leads to no sex.
But I have friends who argue far more than they fuck, so clearly that’s not everything. My final theory, which is totally flaky but corresponds with my personal experience, is that on some level people don’t want what they can easily have. Usually women end up in this situation where whenever they are even slightly horny the guy they’re with is like “oh god, thank you thank you thank you” and instantly jumps them. So, they never value sex because they know anytime they want it they can have it. I was giving advice to a male friend of mine who is dating a not so horny girl, and I told him that sometimes he should be the one to cut the makeout sessions short (in a very nice non-offensive way like “I have work, I should really go now”). Essentially, he wants to leave her wanting more rather than wishing it had finished sooner. He groaned, and said that would be incredibly difficult to do. But that’s why it works – all guys find it difficult to do! Ideally, you never want to pressure a girl for sex because it makes you seem desperate and usually comes across as unattractive. Conversely, guys who are very relaxed about getting laid seem more worldly – there’s almost a feeling of “why doesn’t he care? am I not good enough? is he getting laid somewhere else?” and they have more power. A desperate guy essentially lets his girlfriend completely control his sex life, a guy who occasionally says “I’m not really in the mood tonight,” signals that he is equally in control.
I suppose that was really two theories, not a million. There must be some other aspect to this that I’m not fully understanding though because neither explains lesbian bed death (as lesbians are usually not on birth control and don’t deal with male-female dynamics.) It’s possible that lesbian relationships often seem very secure, so the security issue is a bigger one with lesbians but I’m not sure. I will have to ponder this.
Filed under: Relationships | 6 Comments
Tags: birth control, female sexual arousal disorder, FSAD, lbd, lesbian bed death, libido, long term relationships, lost, lost libido
Marriage is Dumb
I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage recently, after the whole Prop 8 thing in California. On some level, I can’t help but empathize with the struggle of gay people who just want to the right to express their love for each other. But on another level, I can’t help feeling that this is further legitimizing a problematic institution. As one of my friends said, I’m not sure why they even want marriage.
We’ve all heard those numbers – something like 50% of first marriages of people under the age of 45 will end in divorce (see here) and something like 40% to 80% of marriages will at some point have at least one cheating spouse (see here). Simply stated, it looks like the institution of marriage is not working for about half the country.
Some people, particularly people who have a vested interest in marriage for moral or religious reasons, will blame the person who broke up the marriage or had the affair by insinuating that he or she is somehow a bad person (or possibly a good person who made a bad mistake.) However, this seems somewhat unfair given the amount of people who are unhappy enough with their marriage that they end up divorcing – it seems to me what we actually have is an institution that does not suit the nature of the people who uphold it. The problem isn’t that people who divorce or have affairs are “bad”, it’s that marriage isn’t working.
If we were talking about airbags, for instance, instead of marriage and we found that 50% of the time they helped people avoid getting hurt in an accident, we might say “well, that’s pretty good but wouldn’t it be better if we could improve them so they were helping nearly everyone?” We would not say, “well, that other 50% really wasn’t sitting properly in their seats so you can’t expect the airbag to work then” or “many times the people whose airbag doesn’t help them are just bad drivers, so they really get what they deserve.” No, if this was airbags we would keep trying to improve the design of airbags to fit to the types of situations people got into when they drove. Similarly, we should rethink how to implement marriage to fit the way people naturally seem to live instead of trying to force people to change to become the conventional definition of a “good” husband of wife.
Additionally, the problem may be even worse than the statistics indicate because the fact that 50% of people end up getting divorced doesn’t necessarily indicate that the other 50% are happily married. Perhaps people who don’t have affairs would secretly like to have them, but stop themselves from going through with it. The thing is, conventional marriage puts a lot of pressure on one spouse to be everything to the other spouse. But there’s no reason why the person you’re going to want to raise kids with is necessarily going to be the same person you want to have sex with, or even be best friends with. One of my ex boyfriends was really into bondage, and I gave it the old college try, but I could never really get into it myself. We broke up, and we’re still close friends who have very compatible personal ideologies, but very incompatible sexual desires. I think he would be a really great person to raise a kid with (if I ever had one), but I think we would both be extremely unsatisfied if we were only able to have sex with each other for the rest of our lives. The chances of you finding someone who is completely compatible with you in every way is vanishingly small, so at some point you will have to make a trade off (better sex, or better kids? best friend, or household partner?)
Sexual relationships are the only relationships that seem to place these types of restrictions. If my BFF and I regularly go and watch romantic comedies because she can’t stand horror movies, she won’t get jealous if I go and watch Hellraiser with my flamboyant gay roommate. Similarly, my father doesn’t get jealous when my mother and I having girly workout time with Alison Davis because he’d really rather play Squash anyway. But, if your wife doesn’t like taking it in the butt, she’ll throw a fit if you go sodomize your hot neighbor even though you may still think your wife’s a fantastic cook and wonderful mother. As one of my friends once said that you have to accept that you can’t be everything to everyone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We seem to accept that in our platonic relationships, so why can’t we accept that in our romantic ones?
In what ways could we change marriage to alleviate some of these problems? It’s hard to say without trying them out, but there are certainly other options. One option would be a non-monogamous marriage. For instance, if my ex boyfriend and I had had kids and decided on such a situation, we’d live in the same house, share the bills, and alternate who cooked the meals and picked the kids up from school. But, when he wanted to get his kicks, he’d drive to Madame Midori’s house who would tie him up and step on his nuts or whatever. A potential downside of this situation is that people are likely to get jealous, particularly if the couple is still having sex with each other as well. Logically accepting that different types of sex can be like pizza and ice cream, both good in different and incomparable ways, may help but it’s likely that people may still feel uneasy. The best way of dealing with this is probably to be as open and honest as possible so that your partner knows they can trust you. Many couples say that the lies used to cover up an affair can end up being more damaging than the actual affairs themselves.
Another option would be a series of monogomous relationships, which is what most people have now anyway. The difference would be that instead of expecting that when you find the right person you’ll run away with them forever, you’d just expect that every relationship you’d get in would end (at least sexually.) If permanence wasn’t seen as a cornerstone of an ideal relationship, breakups would not have the same stigma. After all, when two people broke up it wouldn’t indicate that anything went wrong, just that the relationship just ran its course. Additionally, if an eventual breakup was expected, then people would probably work to maintain some of their independence throughout the relationship by keeping a career or not merging all their assets or whatever. Raising kids in this situation would certainly be no more difficult than a divorced couple raising kids, and could possibly be a lot easier if the couple was more likely to stay friendly after the split.
There are many different ways people can sexually relate to other people, and if you’re one of the people who is happy in a more traditional relationship, then by all means go get married. But if you’re not one of those people, if you have difficulty staying faithful or find the idea of being with one person for the rest of your depressing, then you’re not alone and you’re not a bad person. You just need to explore what type of relationships will work for you.
Filed under: Relationships | 2 Comments
Tags: affair, affairs, cheating, divorce, marriage, monogamy
Do beautiful women even know if they are beautiful? I have never known a girl to call herself beautiful, but I have also seen how quickly women are brought down if they so much as imply they are attractive (unlike people who call themselves rich or smart.) Simply stated, there is so much of animosity directed towards beautiful women from men who “want” them and women who want to be them that most beautiful women will act like they don’t know how pretty they are. But, even if they don’t admit it, I’m sure most of them know they’re beautiful – especially the intelligent ones. Perhaps they see all their flaws and the tiny things they’d like to improve, but they are also not ignorant of the effect they have on people around them.
So what’s it like to be one of them? If I had to guess a one word answer, I’d say lonely. From what I’ve seen, someone feels loved when another person appreciates all the things that they value about themselves. Deep down, beautiful women don’t identify as beautiful – they are not born beautiful, most of them will not die that way, and they spend far less time looking at themselves than other people spend looking at them. Beautiful women identify as artists, mothers, and friends – as playful, funny or intelligent, and no matter how much someone appreciates them for their beauty their appreciation will always feel hollow because beautiful women don’t see themselves the same way. They may know they are beautiful, but most of them will not define themselves by it.
The other problem beautiful women have, is that in our society it’s frowned upon to barter your beauty like you would barter anything else. Wealth is obviously traded for goods, but even intelligence, natural physical talents and learned skills are regularly traded. A smart man who wanted an intelligent wife would seem natural, and no one would think less of a doctor who wanted to marry another doctor, but a beautiful woman who insisted upon an attractive (or rich) husband would be seen as superficial. That said, many people will want to be with her because of her beauty – in fact, many people may be unable to see anything else about her – but she will not be able to directly bring up this problem or talk to anyone about it.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, because I have a beautiful, intelligent and extremely accomplished friend who cheated on her boyfriend. Many people have been very harsh on her about her infidelity, but I think she was giving up a lot more than her boyfriend because a lot more people wanted to sleep with her than sleep with him – perhaps he would find it just as difficult to be faithful if women were throwing themselves at him the same way.
What if, instead of cheating on him, she had married him? Thirty years down the line, her beauty would begin to fade, but he might have been rich and successful and young women might start paying him more attention. If he failed the same test she failed, he would have dumped her for a younger more attractive woman, but she would have lost thirty years of her life.
Thing is, when a beautiful young woman commits to a relationship, she takes on more risk than any other type of person. An ugly woman knows she’s appreciated for her personality or something else which will probably last a lifetime (or at least until senility), and a man’s attractiveness is often based more in his success (i.e. things he’s likely to appreciate about himself also) than his appearance. A beautiful woman could waste decades with someone who doesn’t even care about who she is. Perhaps in that case we could blame her for her bad taste, but often the type of nice guys who appreciate women for their personalities won’t even be able to get to know her because so many superficial jerks are vying for her attention.
If you are a beautiful woman, I’d recommend spending some time with a bad haircut before you marry anyone.
Filed under: Beauty, Relationships | 5 Comments
Tags: attractive, beautiful, beautiful woman, beautiful women, envy, lust, pretty, superficial
So, for the record, I have never actually talked openly with a woman who was beaten by her boyfriend or husband. I have, however, recently finished the book Demonic Males which had some interesting ideas in it.
Although it seems counterintuitive, the most obvious reason women stay with men who hit them is that they are afraid of them. In fact, I think a lot of counterintuitive female behavior around men can be explained by fear. The other day, my neighbor invited me into his apartment and we talked for a bit. He was extremely sexually forward with me, and I made up some excuse to leave but I did not tell him directly I was not interested in him, which I should have done. I didn’t tell him directly because I was afraid of him. If I let my neighbor think we might get together in the future, he probably wouldn’t get angry with me. But, if I told him I had no interest in him, he would lose some of his incentive to be civil with me since he would know there was no chance of sleeping with me anyway. My neighbor is probably a nice person who would have just politely said goodbye had I said I wasn’t interested, but I didn’t want to take the 0.5% chance that he wouldn’t be when I was alone in his apartment with him.
Similarly, women who are in abusive relationships are often afraid to get out. They know what being abused is like, and they have presumably survived so far. If they get caught trying to leave, they risk increased anger and abuse and so they feel it may be safer just to say. And, sadly enough, they’re actually right. More women get killed trying to leave abusive relationships than staying in them. This is particularly true if they have children who are not being abused since they don’t want to risk the lives of their children (incidentally, women nearly always do chose to leave if their children are being abused.)
Chimpanzees and bonobos are the most genetically similar primates to human beings. Male chimpanzees have actually been observed battering female chimpanzees. When the female chimpanzee tries to run off, the male will catch up with and abuse her more so that she learns the easiest path is just to stay with him. This is possible because chimpanzees live in relatively small groups (often just family units) and so there are no other chimpanzees. Bonobos, on the other hand, live in larger groups and the male bonobos don’t batter female bonobos. If one tries, all the other female bonobos living in the larger group will gang up against the abusive male. In captivity chimpanzees actually start behaving the same way. When larger groups of chimpanzees are forced to live together the female chimpanzees will start to gang up against the male ones and so battery is reduced.
In human societies, you will tend to find increased incidences of abuse among women with no support network (i.e. no female friends or family she can turn to for help). In fact, abusive boyfriends and husbands will often work to isolate their girlfriends and wives from their support networks. In these situations, a woman finds herself like an isolated female chimpanzee with no one to turn to. An isolated woman may feel that her best bet is just to appease the man she is with. This is why if you are a woman, your network of friends is extremely important to you. Dating someone who tries to cut you off from your friends can be an even bigger warning sign than someone who hits you.
In fact, I would go so far as to argue that the nuclear family setup that is standard in America is inherently sexist. It mimics a dynamic that allows for partner abuse in chimpanzees, whereas living in larger groups (like happens in other countries) mimics the living environment of the bonabos who have no such abuse. If you are a woman living with a man, increased isolation is more risky for you than it is for him.
There is one other reason why women sometimes stay with men who abuse them, but it’s a little unsavory. Simply stated, women can be turned on by men who abuse them. No one likes to be abused, but in the past it’s possible that women who mated with abusive men had an evolutionary advantage. If abusive men were able to have more offspring by coercing their wives to have more sex than non abusive men, then the women who were more easily coerced would also have more offspring.
In a world of birth control and artificial insemination, these advantages are vastly diminished. However, some women still find themselves confused by their attraction. They think they’re in love, or that somehow their feelings imply a significant connection beyond the violence. But, if getting beaten up is your thing you’re better off with a cat of nine tails and a safe-word. It’s okay to get turned on when your boyfriend hits you, but it’s not okay to stay with him.
Filed under: Relationships, Sex | 4 Comments
Results of Shaving Experiment
I didn’t shave my underarms, legs or pubes for nearly three months. Then I started shaving again and I had some time to reflect.
As I mentioned in my old post, most guys I talked to were pretty split in their opinion of unshaven girls. Some said they would never sleep with a girl who didn’t shave, and some said they couldn’t imagine why anyone would care about something so trivial. But I have come to the conclusion that really, most guys don’t care. They pretend to care, but they don’t.
I only have one actual data point to back me up on this, but I am still willing to bet that if you stuck a hot naked unshaven girl in bed with a guy who would “never” have sex with an unshaven girl he’d still get turned on. Maybe he wouldn’t actually have sex with her, but he’d want to. I mean, the human race managed to perpetuate itself for thousands of years when women didn’t shave so clearly men are capable of being aroused by hairy women.
So why wouldn’t he actually sleep with her? I think it’s less a matter of desire and more a matter of embarrassment. I remember once one of my friends lost a bet with me and he had to fellate me while I was wearing a strap on. I gave him the option of not sucking my plastic cock but telling everyone that he did, or the option of sucking it secretly and we’d pretend it never happened. He decided on the stealth sucking (in the end, it never actually transpired which is why I can talk about it now) but I think the whole event provides insight into the male psyche. Simply stated, your average guy is willing to do a lot more if he doesn’t have to tell anyone about it.
By extension, I think your average straight guy who would “never” sleep with an unshaven girl would be happy to if he knew none of his friends would ever find out. That said, I think that it’s sort of boring to sleep with people who care too much about their image. Since I’ve started shaving I’ve actually considered growing my armpit hair out again so I don’t have to deal with guys who have these sorts of issues. Life is too short for shame.
Filed under: Beauty, Experiment, Shaving | 5 Comments
Tags: feminism, not shaving, Shaving, shaving legs, shaving underarms
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