Overcoming Sexual Shame

17Apr08

Shame is the sex-killer.

Shame is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

You must face your shame.

You must permit it to pass over and through you.

Where the shame has gone there will be nothing.

Only you will remain.

Everyone is in the closet, and everyone needs to come out. What are the chances – seriously – what are the fucking chances that everything you think is sexy is going to be socially acceptable? Have you REALLY never been turned on by a fatty, or small tits, the idea of being raped, or just anything that you really don’t want someone else to find out about?

The thing is, many straight people are afforded a sort of personal privacy that gay people are not. Straight people need never encounter that part of themselves that is afraid of what they feel. They can go their entire life subsisting on socially acceptable desires, but they may never really know themselves and they may never feel completely satisfied. They can go get married and end up with two kids and a golden retriever – why would they possibly want anything more? I mean, they shouldn’t want anything more, right?

The thing is, no one can help what they feel, only how they act. There is no reason to be ashamed of your desires no matter how bizarre because they’re not your fault. It’s like secretly liking the taste of stamps or the smell of gasoline – it’s just a part of you that other people may not get, but doesn’t say anything terribly significant about your character. You also can’t help the fact that you secretly like the taste of stamps, you just tried them one day and liked them. But it’s okay to like the taste of stamps even if it’s a little unusual because actions, not desires, define the type of person that you are.

For instance, there is nothing wrong with secretly enjoying the taste of stamps whenever you send a letter. Breaking into a post office to steal stamps to fuel your stamp-tasting fetish, however, probably violates some aspect of your moral code. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with getting turned on about the idea of tying up 300 lb men, but kidnapping your neighbor’s gardener and fastening him to your bed also probably violates your moral code.

So, what you need to do is figure out what actions you consider wrong and not do them. For instance, my personal code says “everything i do to another person must be consensual.” I think it’s a pretty good rule, but you have to figure out your own moral boundaries for yourself.

Once you know what you won’t do, it is okay to look inside yourself and see what desires you really have. If you encounter something that turns you on, and it’s weird, don’t fight it. Explore it, fantasize about it and see what aspects of it appeal to you. If something disgusts you should explore that too and see what aspects of it disgust you because attraction and disgust are often strangely intertwined.

If you let yourself, you may find yourself being turned on by different people, people who perhaps aren’t stereotypically attractive. If this happens, run with it! It doesn’t matter what your friends think because it’s not them who will be missing out. If they make fun of you, just respond with “it was worth it,” or “you don’t know what you’re missing.” By getting in touch with your own desires, you can start to see what is beautiful and unique about the people you’re having sex with, and I think this is the essence of charisma. No one wants to be 85% as hot as Angelina Jolie, even if this means they’re really hot. They want to be seen for who they are, and if you can see people as they want to be seen, their inhibitions and all that repressed societal bullshit will drop away and you can just enjoy yourselves.

Filed under: Sex   |  2 Comments
Tags: Frank Herbert, overcome, overcoming, Sex, sexual shame, shame