Cock Tease Magic
So, this has been really pissing me off for a while but I just came across it again while reading Savage Love so I decided to write about it. Most people I’ve encountered, male, female, sexually liberated, and sexually conservative seem to agree on this – girls, don’t be a cock tease. Don’t turn a guy on if you have no intention of going anywhere with him – it’s just not nice.
So, why do people think girls even do the whole cock tease thing? Because they’re manipulative bitches? Because they’re man haters who like to see innocent boys suffer? Because they’re uptight and frigid and can’t admit what they really want?
Wait, here’s an idea, maybe girls like doing sexual things because it turns them on as well? Maybe, just maybe, some women find touching penises just as hot as some frat boys find touching breasts. Perhaps some women actually enjoy being active participants in their sexual encounters, could it be? I remember during one of my many periods of bad sex my frustrated boyfriend said to me, “Look I understand if you don’t want to have sex, I just wish you wouldn’t touch me and turn me on if you have no intention of going anywhere.” Fine, I thought, that seemed reasonable. So what happened?
Every time we made out, I would try not to turn him on if I wasn’t completely sure I’d be willing to have sex with him, which I never was. I became the passive party who was being awkwardly fondled by a guy who was trying not to get too turned on. Sounds hot, right? Our sex life went completely on hold until I finally broke down and said “Jesus Christ, how the fuck am I supposed to get turned on if you won’t let me touch you?”
Of course, I appreciated that he was a nice guy just trying to stop potential problems before they started. Things can get a lot worse because some guys, even otherwise nice guys, can be assholes in the bedroom. So yeah, there’s date rape, and I think everyone agrees that’s wrong. Duh. But there’s also just plain old whining and acting moody, which tends to get more sympathy (because you know, she led him on and all and so now he’s frustrated.) Thing is, there are a few things wrong with whining. Firstly, it doesn’t actually work. And the reason it doesn’t work is that a woman will only give in a few times before she is miserable. One time, when I was 16, I gave in to my boyfriend’s whining and had sex with him which I’m fairly sure inspired a diary entry which essentially said “I think the loneliest you can feel is when you are having sex.” And let me tell you, coming from my 16 year old self, that was saying something because when I was 15 I lived in a house in the middle of the woods and couldn’t drive yet. Both my parents traveled for work, and for a few weeks in the summer I would regularly go for like 5 days or so without seeing anyone (and I mean ANYONE – literally not another human.) That was lonely, but not as lonely as having sex with someone you feel completely disconnected from. And, as any woman who has felt that knows, you’ll do anything to avoid feeling it again.
The other thing that’s wrong with whining, however, is that it’s emotionally manipulative bullshit. Your average guy has jacked off every single fucking night since he was 13 – what difference is one more night going to make? It doesn’t feel as good, but I mean, it doesn’t feel *bad* does it? Guys have a way of making you feel so guilty about this, but when you think about this afterwards you realize that they’re assholes. The one time that comes to my mind is when I was going down on this guy (do I talk about my own sex life too much? whatever – it’s my blog) anyway, I was going down on this guy, and he was taking a while, and I was tired, and I just said “I’m tired, I want to stop.” He totally laid down the whole guilt trip thing, about how he would be frustrated, and it wouldn’t feel as good if he masturbated and blah blah blah. Me being me, I got pissed off and we got in an argument, but deep down (although I didn’t admit it) I actually felt sort of bad about it. But when I thought about it over the next few days it dawned on me what an asshole he was. You see, whenever we had sex, I didn’t orgasm. I had to finish myself off. Whenever he went down on me I didn’t orgasm, I had to help out or finish myself off. So why was what was good enough for me not good enough for him?
And I am sure this is not just me, because apparently something like 75% of women don’t orgasm from vaginal sex alone. So what does that mean? That means that they are either not orgasming, or have to give themselves a bit of a hand every now and then. So you know what? If you’re a guy and you’re turned on with a girl but she’s just not feeling it anymore, fucking suck it up or just jack off because women have been putting up with difficulty orgasming for ages. And shut the fuck up about all this cock tease bullshit because you know what, hard though it may be to absorb, it’s not about making boys miserable, it’s about turning girls on. So let her turn you on, but if she doesn’t want to go further, just be nice about it.
But, don’t take my word for it, see what Mystery (that master of pickup and seduction) has to say about it, just keep in mind you may not want to take all his evolutionary psychology bullshit at face value.
Filed under: Sex | 5 Comments
Tags: cock, cock tease, mystery, seduction, tease
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I think that your tone is a little aggressive/condescending.
Do you think that honest-to-goodness cock-teases don’t exist? Like women who get off by turning guys on a lot then not having sex with them?
Hahaha! Wooooahhh! Bitter much? I’m serious Emma, you need to find a guy that has utterly no redeeming social value EXCEPT for his sexual proficiency. Just find some stud somewhere who knows how to fuck properly and get over your miserable sex life. I have never known a woman who claims to be as free thinking and sexually/morally unfettered as you but at the same time still hasn’t got what she wants. Maybe its time to think about assembling your perfect partner in pieces… get the hot sex from one, the cuddling from another, the breasts from another (oh wait…). Maybe it’s time to suspend the full disclosure clause for a little while too… just do as you please. You’re young… whoever you encounter won’t stick around forever, and if they do you’ll be forgiven.
You should set up like a XXX-harmony website and just have a sex-quiz as the application…. or use adult friend finder. We know of at least ONE person who had success with that….
“So, why do people think girls even do the whole cock tease thing? Because they’re manipulative bitches? Because they’re man haters who like to see innocent boys suffer? Because they’re uptight and frigid and can’t admit what they really want?”
Um… YES! All of the above! You phrased things a little strongly but the gist of each one of those scenarios ABSOLUTELY exists and around this age group it’s a majority of the time. I just think of every chick at every college party or bar. They have fun flirting and talking all naughty but in the end they have absolutely NO desire to follow through on anything. The hope is that this mentality wanes with age…
Those aren’t the only 3 reasons though, of course. It could be something as simple as not knowing if you’re in the mood yet or not so you’re seeing where things take you… thus your point. But a big difference in the gender gap is that GUYS NEVER HAVE THAT QUESTION! For guys, there is no “am I in the mood or not?” The answer is always YES! Even when we say no, its yes! (and we all know that’s not the case for women).
So it’s very hard for guys to relate to women having to get partially involved before they make up their mind. To us, we say “well you should have figured this shit out at 14 or 16 or whenever the fuck it was when you first started fucking! Getting down to it and then backing out b/c you suddenly realize you’re not in the mood is fucking middle school bullshit. This isn’t your 3rd time having sex!”
But then again it takes us a long time of forced, prolonged exposure to these events (monogamy! ahh!) before we figure out that no, this IS the way it is and nothing is a sure thing until its actually happening…. and not even then given your BJ story! Guys who have been in more prolonged relationships, ESPECIALLY those that have lasted well beyond the topic of your previous FSAD post, will have better skills when it comes to dealing with this sort of thing.
AND… maybe I’m going out on a limb here but I don’t think a girlfriend can really be called a cock tease. Once you have repeatedly had sex with someone they’re not a tease anymore. Not unless they’re teasing ppl outside the relationship… then they are the worst kind of cock tease to others AND probably shouldn’t be trusted by their partner. If you’re in a relationship or steadily dating someone and you’ve already had sex, then this is just being “not in the mood”.. and if it happens too much there’s a bigger underlying issue.
As for male reaction and what Mystery says… well I have to agree. I’ve been there, tried all the bad tactics… it doesn’t work. Never yields any positive results. Just being patient and going to jerk off in the other room is all you can really do. As far as the “freeze out” is concerned, that doesn’t work for long. But all you can do is grit your teeth, shut up, don’t wine, jerk off to relieve the pressure and then move on with your day.
Having sex/BJ = eating the best gourmet ice cream on the planet.
Jerking off = making your own ice cream with a handcrank and fucking up the sugar/salt ratio.
Sure you’re still eating ice cream, but one is just the same generic mechanical crap you get every day because you’re poor and can’t get good ice cream. When you’re teased, its like being forced to have the shitty ice cream while the good kind sits directly in front of you and melts.
As for women’s orgasms and fairness, well there comes a point where you need to stop bitching and take responsibility for your pleasure or lack thereof. Yes there are biological factors at play, but also many women are not very in touch with their bodies/sexuality and that has a severely limiting effect on their enjoyment. Next, many women ALLOW men to get away with being bad in bed. If fairness and a 1 for 1 ratio was what you had in mind, you should implement that from the start! You can’t rely on other people to be so kind as to get you off before they get off or whatever. Withholding sex because you aren’t in the mood is annoying and makes guys moody… withholding orgasms because a guy isn’t helping you orgasm is fair and motivating. But you need to employ that shit from the beginning or at least ahead of the given session. You can’t make new rules midway. If you allow yourself to get used to the short end of the stick, you can’t just up and demand change mid-session and seriously expect change or a positive reception. But you can take control of the situation by having that discussion at some point.
So yea, the whining and complaining and getting angry gets us nowhere and guys need to learn to stop that. But it’s not a reality that occurs to us readily since we just think so differently on the topic. And ask your boy Mystery, it’s a hard thing to do to learn to handle it correctly.
On the other hand, yes manipulative women exist and they are in the majority when it comes to cock teasing in this demographic. Chicks you meet at bars and parties and etc do this hallow flirtation bullshit all the time just to build self esteem or whatever. They suck (or not, rather) and should stop wasting ppls time. If you look more in to your boy Mystery i’m sure you’ll find his techniques on weeding out the time wasters and acquiring realistic targets (by the way, many people find him to be a real douchebag).
Good post. Always nice to see some emotion behind things!
Chris, you ignorant fucking cumcatching fuckwad. Emma’s tone is heart-warmingly kind compared to what you hetero males deserve.
First off, your idiotic comment reminds me a lot of how you’d like to insert random stories of black people beating up whites as proof of some equivalancy wrt hegemonic racism of the whites oppressing (murdering, enslaving, exploiting, imprisoning) POC variety. It also reminds me of fucking Zionists endlessly highlighting a few Israeli deaths as they proceed to massacre the fuck out of Gaza and then blame their falling rockets and orphanage-destroying artillery shells on Hamas (they made me do it!!!).
There’s a thing called male logic wherein women who don’t sleep with men are bitches and women who sleep with men are also bitches. Women have every reason to take sexual relations at a snail’s pace to guard themselves against this – to not be another “conquest” by a masculinist dickwad who fundamentally doesn’t care about their pleasure or well-being. It would be gravy if we lived in a world where women could take sexual involvement at whatever pace suits them, wouldn’t it? Imagine if women could tell men what turns them on without being judged? Imagine if women could tell men that they didn’t get off, that something isn’t working without them getting all butthurt? Imagine if men realized their dick was pretty much no better or worse than millions of other dicks out there? Imagine if women could just say no to something and have that be that?
Alas, no, that’s not the world we live in. Sexist men in a variety of sexist societies have been constantly renegotiating boundaries within which women “have it coming”, and, sure, it’s much better now than in centuries past when just being outside at night meant you were public property for any dick. But even with “no means no”, consent is not merely the abscene of “no”. You might not be technically a rapist if you guilt-trip a woman into sex, but you’re still a piece of shit. Men need to exert some fucking self-control, and even today a majority of men need to care in the first place about their partner’s sexual pleasure, the kind of caring that involves and invites open communication. If not having your expansive sexual desires met frustrates you too much, either find a girl who’s up for it, hire a prozzie or better yet, beat off and SHUT THE FUCK UP – men are already too massively privledged for me or any other woman to give a shit if they aren’t completely sexually satisified (poor males
((( ).
About this so-called “cockteasing” – how much of what’s called cockteasing is just friendliness or innocent flirting? What you insist exists, what you call cockteasing – purposefully hurtful and frustrating sexual/romantic incitement with no intention of fulfillment – is done by men and women, and insisting that it has a sexual component (“getting off”) obscures the fact that most so-called cockteasing is done for material gain, especially by women who are told time and time again that their primary assets in life are their physical bodies and feminine wiles. Defining cockteasing as having some sexual underpinning reeks of conspiratorial whining – “she’s getting off but not me WAHHHH”. Bizzy, you really need to take a break from your porn stories sometime and inhabit the real world.
There’s a reason I told you about my lifetime ban list. It’s a form of self-control by which I put women who sexually/romantically incite me with vague or no payoff out of my mind. I can’t sleep/have relationships with all the women I’m into and accepting that (by way of my list) puts things into the proper perspective, puts me in the driver’s seat instead of my hormones, makes me get along better on a friendship level with women, and gets me respect by way of avoiding drama. Try it sometime!
Emma – I really think you underestimate the degree to which women can be whined and guilt-tripped into not just bad sex but also bad relationships and sexual assault including rape (not reporting, feeling they didn’t do enough to stop it, etc.). You should read this book, which deals with all the issues in your post.
Ok, So…
Chris – We talked in person about this briefly, but I think perhaps you, as a nice guy (in the good sense), possibly underestimate how many guys are not like you in bed. I think cock teases as you described them do exist, but there aren’t so many of them.
Mike – This post only scratches the surface of my bitterness, but generally I try to hide it a little better for the sake of not alienating my male friends. And while perhaps all my problems could be solved by a satisfying fuck by nice big cock, consider this – while many of my male friends have remarked that I seem particularly bitter towards men, not one of my female friends has ever said the same (and I am generally more open with them about my various resentments). So, am I particularly bitter in my attitude towards men, or am I just particularly open about a relatively common attitude among women? Honestly, I don’t know, but it’s possible a lot more women may feel a lot more bitter than you’d expect.
But anyway, yeah, I agree I should get laid more.
So, I disagree with you about the whole cock tease in a bar thing. I think that women’s sexuality doesn’t change that much in and out of a relationship, and a girl flirting in a bar is still doing it because she’s horny and not because she’s trying to be a bitch.
On the fairness point, I still stand by the “men should just shut the fuck up when they’re sexually frustrated” but I’ll concede a different point. I think that sexually frustrated men do have the right to try to solve their problem a different way. I think that a man who isn’t getting laid by his girlfriend (or by anyone) has the right to look elsewhere, and I also think prostitution should be legalized and not stigmatized (as for STDs, I think a blowjob with a condom is pretty fucking safe.) Even ruling out prostitution, I think that increased frequenting of strip clubs or … using sex machines…? I don’t know, but the short of it is I think guys should go elsewhere for their orgasms if they need to, and there’s got to be some sort of safe solution for that.
And girls who bitch about their boyfriends porn stash are, in my mind, both delusional and unreasonable (dare I say, bitches?) like guys who whine about not getting a blow job or assholes. That’s how I see it.
Oh, and as for Mystery, he’s a bit of a douche. And yeah, the whole pickup artist thing doesn’t work on many girls (a girl I knew met one of the guys from his show, and she found all his “techniques” quite transparent.) BUT when a bitter man hating feminist and a womanizing douchebag agree on the same thing (albeit for different reasons), then perhaps they’re on to something.
Lina – you are the queen of my heart, as always, and probably understand the differences between male and female sexuality better than anyone, even if you are a bit of a man hater.
I would not be surprised if I completely underestimated the degree to which women can be guilted into sex. I intuitively think of myself as being about as passive and about as non-confrontational as your average girl, but signs point to me probably being more assertive and aggressive than average. I am also not usually physically intimidated by the people I sleep with, as many girls might be, which could lead to a whole new level of intimidation. Even if not explicitly threatened, I can see many girls being VERY afraid to get a man they are alone with angry. I think that’s a particularly complicated situation, because you couldn’t blame the guy (after all, she didn’t actually say no) but you can’t help but empathize with girl.
I also think that what many decent guys don’t know, because they haven’t been there, is just how angry men can get with women. It is chilling. When I read Whipping Girl (a book written by a transexual woman, i.e. someone who was born male and transitioned to female) she said that one of the things she hadn’t expected was the anger some men project on women. As she said, she was stunned by the explosive violent rage that some men seemed to have against women who thwarted their sexual desires. She said it was something she just hadn’t seen as a man, and hadn’t know existed until she transitioned.
Anyway, I suppose this isn’t about women who are cock teases. It’s about women who aren’t because they’ve had too many bad experiences. I think the whole thing leads to a sort of sad misunderstanding, because many women will stop expressing their sexual interests after having a few bad experiences. Those who are left are seen as manipulative teases because many women are afraid to do what they enjoy – flirt and makeout without it necessarily leading to sex – which makes it seem like maybe it’s something women don’t like to do.
I remember back in middle school a guy was on cloud fucking nine if he could just get his hand up your shirt. Can’t flirting just be about flirting, or making out just being about making out, without it always having to lead up to something?
Wow finally! The comments section on your blog comes to life! I’m loving it.
Lina – holy shit I’m scared of you. If all that was truly directed at Chris’s THREE sentence comment then damn! Clearly there’s an insider’s component I’m missing but your reaction is humorous to me as an outsider… and I don’t mean that in a condescending way, just in a “woah! he caught some shit!” type of way.
Aside from your clear man-hating-ness there’s not much a person can disagree with about what you said when it comes to gender inequalities and the dangers of date rape/guilt. But I think Emma acknowledged those facts briefly in the original article and didn’t want to make it about that.
On the cocktease tip, Emma was the one defining it as a sexual type of thing. She spoke of it as a mind-change in the middle of a heavy petting session when most men think the teasing happens PRE-sexual contact. Teases are technically perpetuating incorrect perceptions of their intentions, which isn’t sexual, and if they’re “getting off” then it’s getting off on playing the fun game of flirting with no intention of a sexual end. I think that’s what Chris meant. Like “I get off on chocolate ice” doesn’t mean it makes me cum in my pants (depends on the brand…).
You make a great point about teasing being done for material gain, and wherever the reasons for that come from socially or historically it still falls under the purposefully manipulative category. Is it FAIR? Sure, why not? If you want to be a cynic and say everyone is out to manipulate everyone then women should play their games as much as men do. I’ve often found myself encouraging my female friends to take advantage of guys at bars to get free drinks. To me, the guy needs to know to be weary of the possibilities of being cockteased and played, and as someone who doesn’t buy strange chicks drinks, I think they’re stupid for falling for it and deserve to lose out on some of their money. BUT, this behavior also isn’t technically “nice”, so if a smarter male sees it for what it is then he’s not wrong for having a negative opinion of the girl. She did just try to play him after all.
Emma – Oh I know you’re far more bitter than that. Your blog was not my first clue. haha. And if you have more friends like Lina here, then I’m gonna assume you’ve got a pretty likee-minded circle of friends as well (sorry Lina but Emma did call you a man-hater first. I’m sure you’re nicer in person). I do think you are particularly bitter about men, but until a guy comes along to break the stereotypes you subscribe to then who can blame you? I was particularly bitter about women for a long time… then I met my dear sweet lovely wife who helped change my opinions. Now I restrict my blind resentment to an age range (16-22) instead of all females all the time. haha.
Eh, in reality perhaps we all secretly hold our gender-based bitternes (or all bitterness in general) forever and when we find people who don’t follow those patterns we make a 1-time exception and then we can be not-bitter or less-bitter with those exceptional people. I guess the trick is to not let yourself become SO bitter that you miss the opportunity to notice one of those exceptions.
I continue to disagree about the bar. And Lina’s post backs me up when she 1. separates the sexuallity from cockteasing, and 2. acknowledges the material gain reason for cockteasing. Besides, lots of people like attention, compliments, ppl’s eyes on them, etc and just that can be enough to give you a huge confidence boost and a great night. Someone once told me that steroids were the best drug he’d ever done b/c all the confidence it gave him was like a 24/7 high. I’ve known plenty of “flirts”. And women defined as flirts also flirt dangerously close to being defined as cockteases. The only thing that separated the flirts from the cockteases was that it was WELL KNOWN ahead of time that these chicks were NOT interested in sex (this was usually accomplished by them having boyfriends who also hung out with the group). Flirting is fun in and of itself for anyone… the difference between guys and girls though is that men don’t flirt with people that they wouldn’t want to FUCK!!! We’re too concerned that undesirables will get the wrong impression. Women however, flirt just to play the game, even with each other.
(one caveat: men will flirt with ppl they’re not interested in ONLY to get the attention of ppl that they ARE interested in. IE, in order to make themselves look good so as to get in someone elses pants. This “pussy-teasing” is just as bad as when women do it, but happens much much more rarely.)
Also, cockteases aren’t necessarily TRYING to be bitches. The ACT of cockteasing, whether on purpose or not, whether mean inentioned or not, is simply not nice. Not nice things = bitchy. We can debate the LEVEL of “not nice” the word bitch portrays but its so ingrained in the vernacular there would be no point. Perhaps you have a chick who is a flirt and she doesn’t realize that a guy didn’t know her BF was standing right behind her. He’s still going to feel misled and now, embarrassed and be upset with the girl. Also there’s plenty of younger girls who just don’t realize the effect they’re having or how their signals are being interrpretted… these girls are “flakes” or “ditzes” or whatever and the effect is still the same.
Lastly, while I agree wholeheartedly about legalizing prostitution and that porn isn’t a big deal it’s not as simple to just go out and cheat. For one, most women would consider that passive aggressive if not actively aggressive/spiteful, disrespectful, insulting, etc. Basically all kinds of wrong. If you’re just dating or not commited then sure, run straight out the door and in to her roomates room… but for committed relationships its not so easy. Again, i don’t think the term “cocktease” can truly be applied in commited relationships, but your main idea here seems to be more of the mid-session-mind-changers and etc. When that’s the case its generally not JUST sex that the man wants, but sex WITH that particular female that they care for. If not, then they probably arent commited and would welcome the idea of cheating if they thought they could accomplish it.
Strip clubs tend to make matters worse b/c they are basically all about teasing. Unless you can go there with the mindset of getting enjoyment by either A.) just seeing a women naked, or B.) seeing a women being (supposedly) sexually confident then chances are you’re gonna get your teeth kicked in by the bouncer when you start asking inappropriate questions of the girls.
“I remember back in middle school a guy was on cloud fucking nine if he could just get his hand up your shirt. Can’t flirting just be about flirting, or making out just being about making out, without it always having to lead up to something?”
Ahh weren’t those the days? NO THE FUCKING WERE NOT!!! You may THINK we were on cloud 9, but in reality all those guys went home with blueballs the size of grapefruits and spent the rest of the day amped up and icing their junk! They were happy to get ANYWHERE b/c they had gotten NOWHERE before but their minds and bodies said the same thing “dude! we need to FUCK!” Nicer guys, while going through their sexual baby steps, can keep their mouths shut for a while b/c theyre so afraid to ruin things… but after a while with the same prude, and then RIGHT after they get laid, that silence turns off! Now we’re back to my point about the difference between men and women… guys = always on, no need for “testing the waters” to know if they’re in the mood for sex. Women = not that way.
Today, as grown ups (haha) we’ve got less time on our hands, we’ve got better things to do. If you just wanna flirt or just want to make out with nothing else coming out of it, well then give us a heads up. If you really want no drama and no bullshit then give the guy a chance to decided BEFORE he gets involved, whether or not he can be satisfied with that scenario. Chances are, he’ll still take what he can get but this time he’ll be happier with it and be more likely to go at your pace b/c you’ve set a standard for forthcomingness and honesty. He won’t feel cheated.
And if he DOES, then have Lina come in and kick his horrible stereotypical hetero ass!