Love and Lust
I was out with the musician today, and we had a weird exchange. We were talking about one of the girls he used to fool around with, a girl who had a profound effect on his sexuality, and he got really weird and withdrawn. He said they were romantically incompatible, but I also got the impression that the idea of never being with her again bothered him.
If I had to guess, and I do because we didn’t talk about it too much, I would guess that he’s never really been attracted to another girl as intensely as he was attracted to this one. But, I also get the impression she may have been a slightly evil manipulative bitch, and thus they were “romantically incompatible.” Unfortunately for the musician, he may be into slightly evil manipulative bitches, and so his romantic and sexual desires are at odds.
The thing is, I don’t think he is unique in this. Talking to him briefly about this girl made me wonder who I had been to the boyfriends in my past. Nearly all my boyfriends would describe me as “difficult,” but the ones who seemed to have the most difficulty getting over me would probably have described me far more negatively than that. At least two of them said “you’re not a horrible person, but you have to admit that you do horrible things.” (I do not admit that, by the way.) The guys who interpreted my actions the most negatively were also the ones who liked me the most. They always said that they liked me in spite of my horrible actions, but perhaps they liked me because of them. Or, more specifically, perhaps they were attracted to me because of them. More simply, one of my recent exes said to me “you’re difficult, but I always liked that about you.”
I suppose the most flagrant case was when I was going down on Sarah, Josh came in and sat on the side of the bed. I told him to get out because I was busy, and he stormed away furious, said goodbye to everyone and resolved never to see me again. But then, he changed his mind and came back and we had a huge argument about it where I refused to admit I’d done anything wrong (although clearly in his mind I had) and we magically somehow got back together. We had many arguments after that – Josh and I used to tear the shit out of each other – but he always wanted to date me afterwards.
And, if I’m completely honest (and it is with some shame that I admit this) I was really attracted to Josh. I always say that I never masturbate about my exes, but that’s not completely true. I masturbated about Josh once or twice. Even now, I’m really interested to know what he’s doing with his life. I suppose I sort of sadistically take a sort of pleasure when I hear things have gone wrong, but even that is weird because I am generally not a sadistic person. Chris always says that I was so attracted to him because he was one of my more conventionally physically attractive boyfriends, but I don’t think that was it. I don’t think I was attracted to him in spite of his being an asshole, I think I was attracted to him because he was an asshole.
I came to this realization a little while ago, but I never really talked about it much. It’s one of those things that raises uncomfortable questions when I think about what I should do. Should I follow my sexual desire, and date people who are assholes, or should I date nice people who I am less attracted to? My answer has always been I should hold out for someone who’s not an asshole who I’m still very attracted to – but what if I’m attracted to assholes? Then what?
The most obvious answer is that I should date nice guys, but fuck around with assholes. The only thing is, while I don’t have much morality, I don’t lie to people. The way I see it, is if I’m honest, then they can choose what they want to put up with and any problems I cause them are caused with their permission.
Another answer, one that I have actually seriously considered, is that I shouldn’t date at all and should instead focus on being a good friend (which seems far more consistent.) Many of my friends actually seem to be interested in this route, and eschew actual dating for casual encounters. Unfortunately, I am prone to emotional attachment even with casual encounters so for me not dating would probably lead to celibacy, but it still might be worth it.
What I practically do is switch off what type of guy I date. Sometimes I go for assholes, sometimes I go for nicer guys, but never really settle down with anyone for terribly long.
But, the whole love or lust riddle has a solution, I think, but it’s not a pleasant one. People always think of love as something easy and wonderful, but it’s not. It sounds harsh, but I think very few people really have the stomach for romantic love. I don’t think I do, actually, which is why I can’t imagine getting married.
You have to suffer for the person that you love. Few people are actually willing to do this – they’re happy to be “in love” while it feels fun but they’re unwilling to really look at their partner and see who they are. The simple fact is, when you get to know someone well, there are going to be some aspects of their desire that are going to be upsetting to you. Simply stated, you are not going to be the most beautiful, and the most intelligent, and the most funny, etc. person your partner dated. You will not be everything they always secretly imagined or hoped for as a child. You will not be the only person your partner is capable of having a deep attraction to. You will not be the best at every aspect of sex.
Either you will have to accept this, or your partner will have to lie to you about it to save your feelings. And, if you choose to accept this, it will be painful to acknowledge your own failings. But, if you don’t accept this, you will force your partner to repress their desire, and you will never know what they really feel for you. However, if you let them hurt you, then in a way they’ll become an asshole to you. An asshole is just an asshole because they make you sad sometimes, but they’re also hot because you can trust that their desire is genuine.
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Nice one Emma. Good way to come off the hiatus on this blog.
You’re right about romantic love. It’s a bitch. It’s REALLY hard work. Very few admit it and it takes a while to see it. First of all you have to stay together past the hormone/making excuses phase which can take 2-3 years, and then you have to be sane/educated enough to acknowledge how things change after than, and THEN you have to decide if you really, truly love the person and want to stay with them. So just getting to the point where you can truly ask or answer that question is major pain in the ass and that doesn’t even take in to account LIVING with your decision which can sometimes be a daily battle! You even COULD BE the most beautiful, intelligent, and funny person your partner dated and it would STILL be very difficult! Hell, over time you could decide that you don’t WANT them to be so funny anymore and then what you first loved about them becomes what you dislike the most (happens A LOT!).
Honestly I’m not sure if I’d ever have the patience for it ever again should my existing situation turn sour. I’m hoping I wouldn’t. I recommend against, for anyone who really has the fortitude to hold out. But it seems a human thing to fall in love, repeatedly, and often for the worst reasons, and then the cycle continues…
I like how you reconcile the attraction to assholes at the end of the post, but I think it becomes simpler over time. Yes, assholes can be attractive for many reasons… their confidence, their lack of concern for your feelings and therefor “honesty”, or their willingness to be honest which sometimes hurts your feelings, the fact that they’re more fun to hang out with, sometimes physically tougher and thus a greater feeling of “safety”, etc. etc.
But I think as you get older the asshole/nice guy categories start to fade a bit. EVERYONE is attracted to the “assholes” of their particular preference at one point or another, usually earlier in life. Like guys find “sluts” attractive even though we know they can’t be trusted. Even super nice guys can fall for chicks with that “slut appeal”. Sometimes it even makes plain girls look more physically attractive with the proper tattoo or piercing that sends the “I’m crazy” vibe out there. It’s easier to explain for men though since we hope for a direct and immediate reward when dealing with these types of women… crazy, effed up sex and weird situations lending themselves to great stories to tell to our friends.
After a little while, I think it loses it’s appeal naturally and then your attractions begin to go on auto-pilot towards what makes you the most happy. So as ppl get tired of assholes they’ll naturally start to lose appeal and it won’t be a question of making a distinct decision about who to pursue. Oppositely, if you’ve had things go wrong with “nice” ppl enough, you might think it’s easier to deal with assholes since the relationships are more fleating but at the same time more interesting.
As for the mismatch between romantic and sexual desires… I think if they are really at odds and you give in more to your sexual desires, you’re likely ending up with assholes. But if you’ve come to the point that I mention above, this may just be your choice. But if you choose the romantic route you don’t necessarily have to be forced in to some sexually boring and unfullfilling scenario. If you really are romantically compatible with your partner you can played out your desires with porn or role playing with no ill-effect on the relationship. I mean shit, just look at all the dudes that are in to hentai… anime chicks arent even REAL! But you don’t see a statistically significant amount of men leave loving relationships for cardboard cut-outs of Laura Croft.
Back to your musician who you think is still pining over not being able to be with his most-hot hookup (if that’s even what it really is), I think that’s something ppl need to get over as well. Looks, assholishness, etc… you have to consider the entire package. Rate attractiveness holistically. I’ve dated girls that I thought were beautiful that ended up looking like monsters to me by the end of the relationship when I began to look at the whole person. And when I think back on it I get sad, not because I’m unable to bang a hot ex, but because the fuckin bitch wasted my time and ran me through the emotional ringer! If you can’t reconcile a little less physical attractiveness (which is FLEETING in ANY case) with the fact that a current partner is a better romantic match, then you likely don’t deserver to be with that person even if they’re barely a 4 on the 10 scale (1-3 tho… that’s pushin it
Oh man, I totally meant to post that in my private blog. Oh well! My brain is totally gone.