Overcoming Sexual Shame

17Apr08

Shame is the sex-killer.

Shame is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

You must face your shame.

You must permit it to pass over and through you.

Where the shame has gone there will be nothing.

Only you will remain.

Everyone is in the closet, and everyone needs to come out. What are the chances – seriously – what are the fucking chances that everything you think is sexy is going to be socially acceptable? Have you REALLY never been turned on by a fatty, or small tits, the idea of being raped, or just anything that you really don’t want someone else to find out about?

The thing is, many straight people are afforded a sort of personal privacy that gay people are not. Straight people need never encounter that part of themselves that is afraid of what they feel. They can go their entire life subsisting on socially acceptable desires, but they may never really know themselves and they may never feel completely satisfied. They can go get married and end up with two kids and a golden retriever – why would they possibly want anything more? I mean, they shouldn’t want anything more, right?

The thing is, no one can help what they feel, only how they act. There is no reason to be ashamed of your desires no matter how bizarre because they’re not your fault. It’s like secretly liking the taste of stamps or the smell of gasoline – it’s just a part of you that other people may not get, but doesn’t say anything terribly significant about your character. You also can’t help the fact that you secretly like the taste of stamps, you just tried them one day and liked them. But it’s okay to like the taste of stamps even if it’s a little unusual because actions, not desires, define the type of person that you are.

For instance, there is nothing wrong with secretly enjoying the taste of stamps whenever you send a letter. Breaking into a post office to steal stamps to fuel your stamp-tasting fetish, however, probably violates some aspect of your moral code. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with getting turned on about the idea of tying up 300 lb men, but kidnapping your neighbor’s gardener and fastening him to your bed also probably violates your moral code.

So, what you need to do is figure out what actions you consider wrong and not do them. For instance, my personal code says “everything i do to another person must be consensual.” I think it’s a pretty good rule, but you have to figure out your own moral boundaries for yourself.

Once you know what you won’t do, it is okay to look inside yourself and see what desires you really have. If you encounter something that turns you on, and it’s weird, don’t fight it. Explore it, fantasize about it and see what aspects of it appeal to you. If something disgusts you should explore that too and see what aspects of it disgust you because attraction and disgust are often strangely intertwined.

If you let yourself, you may find yourself being turned on by different people, people who perhaps aren’t stereotypically attractive. If this happens, run with it! It doesn’t matter what your friends think because it’s not them who will be missing out. If they make fun of you, just respond with “it was worth it,” or “you don’t know what you’re missing.” By getting in touch with your own desires, you can start to see what is beautiful and unique about the people you’re having sex with, and I think this is the essence of charisma. No one wants to be 85% as hot as Angelina Jolie, even if this means they’re really hot. They want to be seen for who they are, and if you can see people as they want to be seen, their inhibitions and all that repressed societal bullshit will drop away and you can just enjoy yourselves.

Filed under: Sex   |  2 Comments
Tags: Frank Herbert, overcome, overcoming, Sex, sexual shame, shame

No More Shaving Experiment

09Apr08

So sometime this weekend I was hanging out with my friends and we were wondering how much guys cared about girls shaving. In my naivety, I said “I doubt most men would care,” but, I realized I didn’t actually know. I had shaved ever since I was 12, before I even had anything worth shaving. So, I decided to do an experiment and see what happened if I stopped shaving for a month or so. I was curious both about how I would look and how other people would react to me.

I told the guy I was fucking about this plan, and he said if I stopped shaving he’d stop having sex with me. My straight male coworkers backed him up on this saying if they were in his situation they’d behave the same way. I was not offended by their reaction, but I was surprised. I mean, most men have so much hair themselves who’d think they’d care so much? But, apparently they do.

Well I wasn’t in love or anything, so I figured I’d just find someone new to have sex with. Further conversation with my male coworkers indicated that they’d all be happy to still be friends with me, just not have sex with me and I could live with that. I try not to judge people for what they’re sexually attracted to since it’s not really something they can help.

However, I was intrigued about views on body hair so I started reading up on the internet. Apparently this whole shaving thing started in 1915 when Harper’s Bazaar ran a hair removal ad featuring a woman with no underarm hair (check it out.) I thought this was pretty interesting, because this was the first deeply ingrained cultural attitude I could think of that was a direct result of advertising – an instilled neurosis in the American psyche that directly benefited the manufacturers of razors and wax.

This made me think about my own views on shaving. It is something I started originally just to fit in – I was afraid of being made fun of by my classmates but I was never disgusted by anyone else who didn’t shave. Most of my friends who I went to college with, male and female, seemed indifferent to shaving. My coworkers, obviously, seemed not to be. Although, I was interested to note that most of them had never actually been with a woman who didn’t shave they were merely disgusted by the idea of not shaving. I can’t help but wonder if they would actually care if they were faced with it, but that is a question that will have to be put on hold. Some people associated not shaving with feminism, others with poor hygiene and general grossness.

My personal association, however, is one of pure animalistic lust. The best depiction I could find was this video my friend Lina showed me starring Catherine Ringer (the main female singer) who is an ex porn star. She is lusty, bizarre, unrestrained, and unshaven.

She is a sexual force without shame. And I’m no Catherine Ringer, but I aspire to lusty shameless sex even if my inhibitions get the better of me sometimes. Perhaps I lack imagination, but I just can’t see those plastic porn stars resonating the same way; their genuine desire has been bleached, dieted, and shaven away.

Of course, I’ll probably shave again when this experiment has run its course. Shame about shaving is just as oppressive as shame about not shaving, and on some level, for some unknown reason, I do want to make myself more palatable to men who fantasize about women who I will never be. But until then, I’m interested to see who I fuck and who wants to fuck me.

Filed under: Beauty, Experiment, Shaving   |  7 Comments
Tags: armpit, armpit hair, Catherine Ringer, hair, leg hair, shave, stop shaving

What Condom Should I Use?

05Apr08

Ah, condoms. You sort of love them and sort of hate them. But at some point in his or her sexual career, nearly everyone has to use them at least a few times. Some people use them all the time. Always, though, the question still applies – what is the best condom to use?

A reasonable first concern would be safety. Unfortunately, there is no way in hell you’re ever going to get any sort of good answer on which condom is the safest because the FDA and condom marketing manage to disguise any sort of solid information on that matter. What you do know is that the safety statistics for all condoms do apply to any FDA approved condom.

Given that, you may as well use whatever as long as you plan for potential failure. Some cool gynecologists will give you a prescription for the morning after pill beforehand so you can take it right when the condom breaks, maximizing its effectiveness. (And don’t buy any pro-life bullshit about it. Using condoms in conjunction with the morning after pill probably results in far fewer embryonic deaths than the Pope-approved rhythm method – check it out.) Also, putting the condom on right and using water or silicon based lube will increase effectiveness. But give the spermicidal lubricant a miss since it’s never been shown to reduce pregnancy, but has been shown to increase aids transmission (this goes for spermicidal condoms as well – see what the World Health Organization says.)

So, then there comes the question what do you want out of a condom? There are some condoms out there designed to increase pleasure, with bumps, ridges and weird spiral parts at the top. They’re worth a shot, but chances are you’ll say “that was pretty good, but next time I’d rather feel like I wasn’t fucking inside a garbage bag.” There are also apparently condoms that are designed to turn your dick into an insensitive pillar of man-flesh. I mean, if that’s your thing you can try them but I’ve never really looked into them myself.

My personal philosophy towards condoms is they are a necessary inconvenience until science develops the perfect contraception and we can start the second sexual revolution. Until then, however, you should use Crown Skin Less Skin condoms. If those aren’t good for you for whatever reason, you can try Beyond Seven, Kimono (regular or large), or Durex Extra Sensitive. Apparently Trustex Extra large is good if you’re bigger, and I’ve heard good things about Trojan Elexa but I’ve never tried them.

Filed under: Contraception, Sex   |  4 Comments

10 Mistakes Virgins Make

03Apr08

Everyone who is sexually active at some point in their life had to have sex for the first time. It was probably awkward and weird for most people, but there are some things that virgins typically do that seem to make the whole experience more difficult for everyone involved. So, I have compiled a list of mistakes virgins typically make so that you (if you are virgin) do not have to make the same mistakes.

1. Waiting for the impossible. Some people want to wait for the perfect person in the perfect situation but, unfortunately, it’s just not going to happen. Whether you’re thing is perfect tits or true love, it’s silly to get overly hung up about virginity because losing it probably won’t go the way you expect anyway. Even if you eventually meet your perfect person, wouldn’t you rather get all your weird virgin hangups out of the way beforehand? The only exception to this is if you believe you should wait until marriage – if you only plan to have sex with one person in your life you won’t be losing anything by waiting for them.
2. Expecting too much. Some people expect it to be wonderful, some people expect it to be horrible, but either way people expect big things out of losing virginity. The simple truth is it’s not such a big deal. You won’t look or smell any different than you did beforehand. The first time I had sex I almost felt let down – it took about thirty seconds and I couldn’t help thinking “so this is it?”
3. Not talking. So yeah, in the movies and porn the only noises people make are completely unintelligible. In the real world, however, sometimes you gotta ask what’s going on. Many virgins don’t realize this, and think they will look more experienced/suave/whatever if they silently get on with what they’re doing. But let me tell, you spending 5 minutes trying to fumble a dick into the wrong hole is waaaaaaaay more awkward than just saying, “hey, could you give me a hand?”
4. Being too serious. Often people losing their virginity look more like they’re sitting through Sunday’s service than getting fucked. Frankly, sex is pretty goofy and there’s no reason to pretend otherwise. Generally, it’s poor form to laugh at your partner (you’ll make them self conscious) but anything else goes. If you accidentally squirt lube all over the bed, or get jizz in your eyebrows, just laugh it off. No biggie.
5. Being too stoic. This seems like a particularly male thing, but often people play down how turned on they are or whatever because they don’t want to come off as overeager or something. It’s kind of dumb, because most people get turned on when they see someone else turned on. Many girls especially have poor body image, and may get self conscious if they feel that their partner is somewhat disinterested. Oh, and no matter what gender you are, if you are on bottom move your fucking hips. Most people don’t like to feel like they’re fucking a corpse.
6. Wanting to know when foreplay is over. Foreplay can be unsettling if it could potentially be leading up to having sex with someone you’ve never fucked before (even if you’re not a virgin) and you may be left wondering when does the foreplay end and the sex begin? There is no right answer, because people can be very different in this respect. However, I’d say the bounds are at least 15 minutes if you don’t know the person, but it could possibly up to one or two hours. Girls usually take longer to get in the mood, so if you’re getting with a girl perhaps err on the side of more time, but if you’re getting with a guy you can keep it a little shorter. If things last for really long (say, more than two hours) and you don’t take a snack break or something, you may run up against human limitations because people can only stay turned on for so long. Then again, I had a friend who said he liked foreplay for hours and hours so maybe not.
7. Fucking up the condom. Chances are if you don’t have a lot of sex (like, if you’re a virgin), when you do you’ll be using a condom. If you think there’s any chance you may be getting laid ever, there’s no excuse not to know how to put on a condom regardless of your gender. Just go and get a family pack (anti-family pack?) and practice putting them on either yourself of a zucchini. Your first priority is putting it on correctly (if you don’t know how ask the internet), and your second priority is doing it quickly. Practice in extenuating circumstances, like in the dark, while on the phone, or with three of your four limbs chained to the bed, because you never know where you’re going to find yourself.
8. Not using lube. Some people regularly use lube, some don’t, but the first time you have sex just use it – especially if you’re female. The worst thing that will happen is that everything will be a bit too wet and you get some squishy sounds. It will, however, reduce any pain and make it less likely that the condom will break. You may want a towel or something though to wipe yourself off on.
9. Expecting the guy to go fast. The stereotype is that the guy will come in like 30 seconds, and while that might happen, it also might not. It’s almost easier if the guy is really quick because that’s what is expected. However, a substantial portion of guys actually don’t orgasm the first time they have sex and it’s okay to stop if it just looks like it’s not happening. My empirical research suggests that 1/4 guys will come very quickly, 1/4 won’t come at all, and about 1/2 will take an awkwardly long time.
10. Feeling Guilt. I don’t know if it’s this culture, or if this is a more universal thing about sex, but many people feel guilty about sex particularly the first time. Don’t worry about it – people have been having sex from long before you were born and will be having sex long after you die. Sometimes it’s really raunchy sex too, with blood, human excrement, animals and whatever else. So, no matter how gross or icky you feel, I can guarantee you there is someone out there at least 100 times grosser than you.

Anyway, nothing can quite prepare you for your first time. Just remember not to stress out about it too much. In the long run, it’s not really that big a deal.

Filed under: Sex   |  6 Comments
Tags: first time, losing, mistakes, Sex, virginity

Why Breast Implants Are Good

15Mar08

Breast implants are somewhat controversial among both genders – some people like ‘em, and some people don’t. However, the main opposition to breast implants seems to come from vocal feminists who view them as a symbol of contemporary female oppression. They emphasize the potential dangers and inconveniences of the surgery as they denounce it, but frankly to me these claims ring a little hollow.

First of all, it’s not that dangerous, and besides similar surgeries in different circumstances (say, implants for breast cancer victims) are not denounced although the potential dangers would be similar. To me it seems more likely that that feminists are upset because they think it’s just not fair that some women get breast implants. Here the feminists are trying to better the life of women nowadays, and then some of these women have the nerve to go get breast implants and try to gain a sexual edge over the very people trying to help them! How dare they? Now men aren’t going to get turned on by realistically sized breasts anymore, and the only way to get laid will be to have double Ds!!!

Thing is, it doesn’t actually work like that. First of all, what feminists overlook, is many of these women really are happier after their implants. I think trying to stop a procedure that makes some women happy (even if you don’t like the reasons) is working against the best interests of women in general. The best you can hope to achieve is to shame women who are already depressed so they don’t get implants that they want.

Second of all, men don’t really care about breast size that much. No, seriously. Ok, more accurately, some men do care about it, but most seem not to. Don’t believe me? Think about how many guys jacked off to the Paris Hilton sex video, and she’s an A cup. In fact, some guys I talk to now actually like natural or smaller breasts because of breast implants. Implanted breasts tend to be harder and less sensitive, and some dudes just don’t jive with that. So, women who get breast implants aren’t screwing over all the other straight girls, they’re just differentiating themselves from them.

And lastly, the main reason breast implants are great is that it shit filters all the guys many girls wouldn’t want to date anyway. I respect Pamela Anderson for her wit, wealth, and fame, but there is no way in hell I would want to hook up with Tommy Lee or Kid Rock or whoever she’s fucking now. But if that’s what she likes, hey, more power to her.

So, let’s stop with the hating and start embracing the artificial breast.

Filed under: Beauty   |  12 Comments
Tags: anderson, breast, hilton, implants, large, pamela, paris, small

What’s Up With Losing Erections?

10Mar08

Erections sometimes have a habit of popping up and disappearing at the wrong times. As a culture, we are completely obsessed with erections. To the American man, the inability to have an erection at just the right time seems to be of the utmost important. Which is why it is particularly awkward when they don’t show up when expected.

There are many reasons this happens, but the result is usually the same – ruined sex. What can be done to salvage the situation?

The first thing to appreciate is the difference in perspective when this occurs in a heterosexual relationship. (Frankly, I’m not too sure what the dynamic is like in a gay relationship when this happens, but I’m willing to bet that the lesbians don’t sweat it too much.)

Anyway, on the male side there is usually some pretty severe embarrassment going on. As far as the guy is concerned, he has failed some primitive yet crucial test of manhood. On the female side there is likely to be a lot of uncertainty. Often the girl will worry that the guy lost his erection because she was not attractive enough, and all those insecurities instilled deep in the female psyche from music television and soda ads will come bubbling to the surface.

So, what we’re left with is an extremely defensive situation on both ends. This will often make things worse, as each party may try to blame the other in order to deflect attention from what they see as their own shortcomings. I have actually heard of guys telling girls that they lost their erection because the she was chubby/had small tits/whatever. (If you do this, by the way, stop it. It is guaranteed to make you bad in bed.)

Regardless of your gender, in this situation the best thing you can do is just take responsibility for the in a lighthearted way. If you are male, you can just explain that you were tired or stressed out and perhaps make some dorky pun about “trying harder” next time. Actually, skip the pun. Do NOT say “this doesn’t normally happen to me” because that may imply that you’re dissatisfied with your partner, assuming you don’t normally have sex with her. If you’re female, try to act like you don’t think it’s a big deal, and if you’re slick you can slip in some joke about “sometimes having that effect on guys”.

The thing is, any reasonable partner will not actually blame you for what happened, they’ll just be relieved that you’re not blaming them. If this keeps happening, you may need to have a talk about the issues going on but it should be nothing a little shake up in the ‘old routine shouldn’t fix. Unless you have ED, in which case get yourself some Viagra.

Filed under: Sex   |  3 Comments
Tags: erection, flaccid, losing, lost, viagra

When Does Sexy Become Sleazy?

10Mar08

Hitting on girls is one thing that many of my male friends (particularly the ones from MIT) agonize about. One piece of generally accepted advice is that a guy can’t be too wimpy – he has to be a little outgoing and a little forceful to attract the attention of a girl. But, if he’s too forceful he’ll come across as a total slimeball. So, where’s the line?

On one end of the spectrum, we have the wimp who’ll be very friendly but won’t ever pursue anything sexual. There are various reasons why girls don’t go for wimps, but just from a practical standpoint, they’re hard to read. Even if a girl is into shy guys, and she’s the daring type who doesn’t mind pulling the first move, she’s not going to initiate anything unless she’s pretty sure it’s going to work (or she’s drunk). Also, girls (and guys, for that matter) like to feel wanted, and she’s more likely to actually develop a crush on someone who seems as if they’re somewhat interested.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have the sleazebag who will aggressively pursue a girl even when she’s giving him signs that she’s not interested. Often times sleazebags will aggressively pursue any girl within range, but this is not always the case. Sleazebags are creepy for various reasons, but most of them stem from a girl not wanting to feel “used” (i.e. have sex with someone who had no considerations for their feelings). Not only is the sex likely to be bad for her, but she may also fear him talking about her afterwards. Probably she won’t think all this consciously though, she’ll just feel uneasy and gross around someone like this.

The key thing that makes someone appear sleazy is if they seem more interested in pleasing themselves than in pleasing whoever they’re “flirting” with. If at any point the guy is coercing or trying to talk a girl into doing something she’s not interested in doing, this is sleazy. Even if she gives in, she’ll feel gross about it in the morning. On the other hand, if the guy seems interested in showing a girl a good time, then she’ll probably be into that.

I saw the Vagina Monologues recently, and one of them was about a female dominatrix who serviced female clients and the way she described a good power play with women is to be somewhat forceful with them, but take them somewhere they want to go.

So, the ideal attitude a guy can have is to be (or seem) interested enough in the girl that he wants her to really enjoy herself. Incidentally, I think this also works pretty well in reverse or in same sex couples. In general, people like it when someone else seems concerned with their wellbeing. It makes them feel special.

Oh, and one last note. If you’re a straight guy and at some point during the night one of your male friends wants to give you advice on hooking up with a girl, just ignore him. First of all, if you change your behavior throughout the night, it will totally unsettle whoever you’re flirting with. But, more importantly, what works for him will probably not work for you. This is because if someone seems into you, they’re into you, not your friend and your mannerisms will come across as far more attractive than his.

Filed under: Flirting   |  4 Comments
Tags: Flirting, girls, hitting, on, sexy, sleazy

Why Don’t Girls Like Giving Head?

07Mar08

• So, some girls do like giving head. Maybe even most do, I don’t know, I’ve never taken a survey. However, it is clear that some subset of the female population absolutely hates going down on guys (lesbians are usually okay with going down on girls). If you are male, and your girlfriend is one of those girls who don’t like going down on guys this can be somewhat distressing. So, what’s going on in her mind?

Assuming she has no religious objections to sex in general, she is most likely afraid of being bad. This makes sense – most straight guys would probably prefer to be good at going down on girls. But, there are two things that make girls more hesitant than guys.

The first thing is that girls usually take failure harder than guys. Consequently, a girl will tend to be much more embarrassed if something goes wrong whereas a guy will usually be more comfortable just laughing things off.

The other thing is that it is more expected that a girl will be good at giving head. Men are supposed to be horny geysers of semen and so it is particularly embarrassing for a girl if she can’t get a guy off. Some women, on the other hand, can’t even orgasm. And, even if they can, bringing a woman to orgasm is generally not considered a trivial task so there’s much less pressure on a guy eating out a girl.

But the thing is, it’s actually not that easy to give a blow job. For a first timer, a penis is just some anonymous meat rod like any other sausage or hot dog. To further complicate the matter, different men like different things so even experienced people may not be able to master it with everyone. So some girls will try to give a blow job, fail, and then refuse to do it ever again. Often they’ll play it off, pretending that they think giving blow jobs are slutty or something, but that’s just a cover. Chances are if you’re a guy with a girlfriend who is particularly opposed to giving blow jobs she gave a bad once once and is to ashamed to ever try again.

So what can you do about it? First thing is, you’ve got to get talking about it. Say something like “I think it would be so hot if you went down on me,” to get the ball rolling. Then you have to be kind of crafty because you have to address her deeper concerns without embarrassing her.

Basically what you want to communicate is that you know it’s not easy, you’d really appreciate it, and you don’t care if she doesn’t finish (I know you probably will care, but think of it as an investment in future blow jobs). Then, give lots of positive reinforcement when she gives you one. If she does stuff wrong, try telling her what you’d like her to do instead of what you don’t want her to do. If she doesn’t finish, take care of yourself, then insist that you had a really great time and you’d love to do it again. Eventually, she’ll figure it out.

Filed under: Sex   |  4 Comments
Tags: bj, blow job, down, giving, going, head, oral, Sex