I haven’t written in this blog for years – but, apparently my old posts still get about 50+ hits a day, which, is more than anything else I’ve ever written. (I have a lot of blogs.)

Why is that?

I think it is telling that on my list of previous categories, “sex,” “porn,” and “relationships” are all listed but “love” is not (it is now – I just added it.) I wrote about sex, and porn, and relationships – but never love.

Why is that?

When I started this blog, I had just graduated university. I was working as one of the very few female programmers in a large company (hence the title.) And, I was lonely! I used to go cry alone by the water during my lunch breaks. I tried to hide it, so none of my male coworkers would ever know or think less of me. Deep down, in my guarded heart, I ached for connection – but could never find it.

Since then, I’ve left that job – left many jobs. I’ve walked in on a Monday, to been told that my company has just gone under. I’ve fallen in love with a few men and one woman. I’ve had my heart broken by a boy five years my junior, and cried about it like someone half my age. I’ve done ecstasy with a coworker, then fucked him, but not in the same night. I’ve been picked up by a beautiful burlesque dancer at a tech conference in New Orleans. I’ve given a hand job to a stranger in a bathroom (it wasn’t a good one.) I’ve sobbed over a tiny dick I knew was never going to fuck me again. I’ve admitted to my lover I like her because she’s chubby, not in spite of it. I’ve masturbated about more fat chicks than I will ever admit to. I’ve seriously thought about killing myself. I’ve modeled in bondage porn, but was too prude to show my nips. I’ve been fired. I’ve moved across the country, but only ever lived in cities. I have tasted both cut and uncut dick, and would still suck either. I have decided fucking is worth risking herpes. I’ve woken up next to someone, and not been sure if we’d fucked. I’ve woken up next to someone just relieved not to have vomited in her bed. I’ve gotten an IUD, and bled everywhere because of it. I’ve fallen in love with a man who loved cross dressing. I still haven’t danced enough! I’ve meditated.  I found my first white hairs.

I’ve gone a year without having sex.

I have realized that I really like pussy.

Yet, perhaps I’m older and no and no wiser, because in my heart my dreams are still the same.

Because, despite all the sex I’ve had since starting this blog (admittedly, not enough to be truly epic, but enough to figure a few things out) I still find my heart longing for connection.

Of the various things I’ve done, really only one deserves mention. On pride weekend, I was crying to my girlfriend about how I didn’t feel connected to the gay community – as if there’d been this giant, gay party to which I hadn’t been invited because of my appreciation of dick. She listened. She was sweet. Then, later we had sex. I came once, then she used a vibrator on me and I came again (which is unusual for me.) After that, I started to cry – and kept crying. She held me until I was done.

So, why did I write about sex, and porn but not love? Why did I model in porn when it didn’t turn me on? Why did I fuck girls in front of men when it creeped me out? Why did I try to have threesomes, that were just really awkward for everyone involved?

I was hoping that if I was bold enough, adventurous enough, sexy enough I could find that connection I was seeking. Maybe someone would be impressed by me, by my sexuality, and completely fall in love with me. I think a few men thought they did. But, I couldn’t connect until I let what I was really feeling show. Maybe that’s why people read all these posts about sex, and blow jobs, bdsm and what have you. They’re seeking something, maybe what I was seeking, but are hoping they can get it without having to show who they really are. That’s why sex is so important in our society, I think. It’s the only way we’re allowed to ask for connection. Unfortunately, in my experience, it doesn’t really work.

Strangely, my girlfriend wasn’t the first person I nearly cried in front of during sex. Once, a man was going down on me, and I said “I feel like I’m about to cry,” and he said “oh my god, don’t.” So, I didn’t. I held it in. He wasn’t the right one.

She was, she let me feel what I was feeling without censure and without judgement. So, we connected.

Love and Lust


I was out with the musician today, and we had a weird exchange.  We were talking about one of the girls he used to fool around with, a girl who had a profound effect on his sexuality, and he got really weird and withdrawn.  He said they were romantically incompatible, but I also got the impression that the idea of never being with her again bothered him.

If I had to guess, and I do because we didn’t talk about it too much, I would guess that he’s never really been attracted to another girl as intensely as he was attracted to this one.  But, I also get the impression she may have been a slightly evil manipulative bitch, and thus they were “romantically incompatible.”  Unfortunately for the musician, he may be into slightly evil manipulative bitches, and so his romantic and sexual desires are at odds.

The thing is, I don’t think he is unique in this.  Talking to him briefly about this girl made me wonder who I had been to the boyfriends in my past.  Nearly all my boyfriends would describe me as “difficult,” but the ones who seemed to have the most difficulty getting over me would probably have described me far more negatively than that.  At least two of them said “you’re not a horrible person, but you have to admit that you do horrible things.”  (I do not admit that, by the way.)  The guys who interpreted my actions the most negatively were also the ones who liked me the most.  They always said that they liked me in spite of my horrible actions, but perhaps they liked me because of them.  Or, more specifically, perhaps they were attracted to me because of them.  More simply, one of my recent exes said to me “you’re difficult, but I always liked that about you.”  

I suppose the most flagrant case was when I was going down on Sarah, Josh came in and sat on the side of the bed.  I told him to get out because I was busy, and he stormed away furious, said goodbye to everyone and resolved never to see me again.  But then, he changed his mind and came back and we had a huge argument about it where I refused to admit I’d done anything wrong (although clearly in his mind I had) and we magically somehow got back together.  We had many arguments after that – Josh and I used to tear the shit out of each other – but he always wanted to date me afterwards.

And, if I’m completely honest (and it is with some shame that I admit this) I was really attracted to Josh.  I always say that I never masturbate about my exes, but that’s not completely true.  I masturbated about Josh once or twice.  Even now, I’m really interested to know what he’s doing with his life.  I suppose I sort of sadistically take a sort of pleasure when I hear things have gone wrong, but even that is weird because I am generally not a sadistic person.  Chris always says that I was so attracted to him because he was one of my more conventionally physically attractive boyfriends, but I don’t think that was it.  I don’t think I was attracted to him in spite of his being an asshole, I think I was attracted to him because he was an asshole.  

I came to this realization a little while ago, but I never really talked about it much.  It’s one of those things that raises uncomfortable questions when I think about what I should do.  Should I follow my sexual desire, and date people who are assholes, or should I date nice people who I am less attracted to?  My answer has always been I should hold out for someone who’s not an asshole who I’m still very attracted to – but what if I’m attracted to assholes?  Then what?

The most obvious answer is that I should date nice guys, but fuck around with assholes.  The only thing is, while I don’t have much morality, I don’t lie to people.  The way I see it, is if I’m honest, then they can choose what they want to put up with and any problems I cause them are caused with their permission.

Another answer, one that I have actually seriously considered, is that I shouldn’t date at all and should instead focus on being a good friend (which seems far more consistent.)  Many of my friends actually seem to be interested in this route, and eschew actual dating for casual encounters.  Unfortunately, I am prone to emotional attachment even with casual encounters so for me not dating would probably lead to celibacy, but it still might be worth it.

What I practically do is switch off what type of guy I date.  Sometimes I go for assholes, sometimes I go for nicer guys, but never really settle down with anyone for terribly long.

But, the whole love or lust riddle has a solution, I think, but it’s not a pleasant one.  People always think of love as something easy and wonderful, but it’s not.  It sounds harsh, but I think very few people really have the stomach for romantic love.  I don’t think I do, actually, which is why I can’t imagine getting married.

You have to suffer for the person that you love.  Few people are actually willing to do this – they’re happy to be “in love” while it feels fun but they’re unwilling to really look at their partner and see who they are.  The simple fact is, when you get to know someone well, there are going to be some aspects of their desire that are going to be upsetting to you.  Simply stated, you are not going to be the most beautiful, and the most intelligent, and the most funny, etc. person your partner dated.  You will not be everything they always secretly imagined or hoped for as a child.  You will not be the only person your partner is capable of having a deep attraction to.  You will not be the best at every aspect of sex.  

Either you will have to accept this, or your partner will have to lie to you about it to save your feelings.  And, if you choose to accept this, it will be painful to acknowledge your own failings.  But, if you don’t accept this, you will force your partner to repress their desire, and you will never know what they really feel for you.  However, if you let them hurt you, then in a way they’ll become an asshole to you.  An asshole is just an asshole because they make you sad sometimes, but they’re also hot because you can trust that their desire is genuine.

I was writing a diary entry on this, but then I thought what the hell, I’ll blog it instead.

One aspect of straight male sexuality that, personally, I find particularly boring is the desire to be normal.  I hadn’t noticed this for a while because some of my friends are a little odd, but now that I think on it far more guys than girls that I’ve known have expressed concern about being normal.  I was reading some advice from Dan Savage on how to get your boyfriend to go down on you (out of curiosity, not necessity) and he said you could use the straight man’s desire for normalcy against him.  If you’re with a guy who refuses to eat you out, you just say “All my other boyfriends used to love eating me out – what are you a fag or something?” to shame him into oral sex.

When I first read this I was taken back a little.  My personal conceptions, or perhaps idealizations, of masculinity ran sort of contrary to this.  In my mind, a manly man was someone who was independent and resourceful, confident and outgoing, and physically or mentally strong.  You know, someone sort of like Bear Grylls from Man vs. Wild.  In my mind, this person seemed like the type of person who didn’t really care what other people thought about him.  Worrying about being normal and fitting in – isn’t that the type of stuff bitchy little 8th grade girls care about?

But then I thought back to that time I stopped shaving, and I remembered the universal “straight male” response was that no “normal” guy would want to sleep with a girl who didn’t shave.  When I pointed out that I had male friends from MIT who didn’t care, my “straight male” friends would always respond that that was because they were weird effeminate MIT kids, not normal men.

There were other incidents too, that stuck out in my mind.  One was a drunken bet between a fairly manly “straight male” friend of mine and me that ended up with him having to give me a blowjob while I was wearing a strap on.  Naturally, he was a little upset that I had won this bet (because, you know, he wasn’t a fucking fag) so I gave him a choice.  I said he could either give me a strap on BJ and we could keep it secret, or we could tell everyone he had gone through with it but he wouldn’t actually have to do it.  In my confusion about straight men, I assumed that he’d rather not do it but tell everyone that we had.  I could see why he wouldn’t want to suck a fake dick, but why would he give a shit about what other people thought?  I was completely wrong.  He quickly said he’d rather do it and not tell anyone, but in the end we never actually went through with it (or do I just have to say that to keep my part of the bargain?) 

While some aspects of this are sort of funny and manipulatable, (“all my other boyfriends used to carry my luggage for me, but I’ll just get it if it’s too heavy”) other aspects are annoying.  Another trait several of my more “normal” boyfriends have had in common is the desire that their friends to approve of me physically.  I must have spent ages 12-18 getting over the fact that I would never look like the girls on TV and in porn, but I eventually did grow up and get over it.  As it turns out, a live imperfect girl in bed is 100 times better than the most beautiful girl in video.  Most guys know this too, but they don’t express it openly (i.e. they are often willing to fool around with girls who are “less attractive” than they’d like to tell their friends about.)  My boyfriends were usually happy when their friends said I was pretty, and my male friends will often gush about how attractive their girlfriends are.  But, in my mind, who cares?  If your girlfriend turns you on, who cares what your friends think?  I have certainly weathered some mockery at times for a few of my boyfriends, but I could deal with it because I’m not a spineless fuck.  Making a big deal about how your girlfriend looks (even if it’s positive) is just going to bring back those feelings she had when she was an insecure teenager, and why would you want to do that?

Anyway, I guess I’m calling all those “normal straight men” out.  Having your own taste even when it’s controversial, or dating someone who your friends would tease you about, is a lot more difficult than benching 200 lbs (ok, that’s total conjecture as I’ve never benched anywhere near that.)  Men often perform empty gestures of masculinity to make themselves feel better (I got news for you – any idiot can set up an IKEA desk) but shudder at the thought of doing something as simple as bringing a fatty to the office party.  I mean, yeah, if you don’t get turned on by short women don’t date a 4’11” girl just because she’s nice, but don’t be afraid to date one because people are going to think you’re weird.  Caring about being normal is both boring and wimpy, and personally I can’t imagine myself ever bothering with someone who makes a big deal about stupid shit like that again.  Well, unless I need tire changed that is.

This was a quick thought I had while I was procrastinating.

Previously, I always thought asking for a kiss was so unsuave.  Whenever someone asked if they could kiss me I always thought “ugh, not anymore.”  BUT I’ve changed my mind.

The other day someone asked to kiss me, and I was totally not repulsed by it.  So what was the difference?  The first few times people asked, they always said “May I kiss you?” or worse, sometimes they wouldn’t even ask they’d just say “I really want to kiss you.”  How the hell do you respond to “I really want to kiss you”?  (I just froze up, and straight up said “Oh my god, I feel so awkward right now” which is total failure on my behalf.)  Those questions made me feel creepy, I’m not completely sure why, but possibly because they carried the implication that my allowing the other person to kiss me was doing them a favor.

The better question is “Do you want to kiss me?”  because not only does it carry the implication that I’m kissing whoever because I want to, but the question is also just easier to answer.  I don’t have to worry about “well, why shouldn’t s/he kiss me” or “how am I supposed to respond to his/her wanting to kiss me” – I just think am I in the mood for some kissing right now?

Not that I think you always have to ask explicitly, since you can often tell if someone wants to be kissed (here are some hints, do they like it when you touch them?  do they casually touch you?  have your faces been under a foot apart for more than like 30 seconds?) but if someone’s hard to read, or you just feel more comfortable asking, ask them what THEY want instead of requesting what you want.

cockSo, this has been really pissing me off for a while but I just came across it again while reading Savage Love so I decided to write about it.  Most people I’ve encountered, male, female, sexually liberated, and sexually conservative seem to agree on this – girls, don’t be a cock tease.  Don’t turn a guy on if you have no intention of going anywhere with him – it’s just not nice.

So, why do people think girls even do the whole cock tease thing?  Because they’re manipulative bitches?  Because they’re man haters who like to see innocent boys suffer?  Because they’re uptight and frigid and can’t admit what they really want?

Wait, here’s an idea, maybe girls like doing sexual things because it turns them on as well?  Maybe, just maybe, some women find touching penises just as hot as some frat boys find touching breasts.  Perhaps some women actually enjoy being active participants in their sexual encounters, could it be?  I remember during one of my many periods of bad sex my frustrated boyfriend said to me, “Look I understand if you don’t want to have sex, I just wish you wouldn’t touch me and turn me on if you have no intention of going anywhere.”  Fine, I thought, that seemed reasonable.  So what happened?

Every time we made out, I would try not to turn him on if I wasn’t completely sure I’d be willing to have sex with him, which I never was.  I became the passive party who was being awkwardly fondled by a guy who was trying not to get too turned on.  Sounds hot, right?  Our sex life went completely on hold until I finally broke down and said “Jesus Christ, how the fuck am I supposed to get turned on if you won’t let me touch you?”

Of course, I appreciated that he was a nice guy just trying to stop potential problems before they started.  Things can get a lot worse because some guys, even otherwise nice guys, can be assholes in the bedroom.  So yeah, there’s date rape, and I think everyone agrees that’s wrong. Duh.  But there’s also just plain old whining and acting moody, which tends to get more sympathy (because you know, she led him on and all and so now he’s frustrated.)  Thing is, there are a few things wrong with whining.  Firstly, it doesn’t actually work.  And the reason it doesn’t work is that a woman will only give in a few times before she is miserable.  One time, when I was 16, I gave in to my boyfriend’s whining and had sex with him which I’m fairly sure inspired a diary entry which essentially said “I think the loneliest you can feel is when you are having sex.”  And let me tell you, coming from my 16 year old self, that was saying something because when I was 15 I lived in a house in the middle of the woods and couldn’t drive yet.  Both my parents traveled for work, and for a few weeks in the summer I would regularly go for like 5 days or so without seeing anyone (and I mean ANYONE – literally not another human.)  That was lonely, but not as lonely as having sex with someone you feel completely disconnected from.  And, as any woman who has felt that knows, you’ll do anything to avoid feeling it again.

The other thing that’s wrong with whining, however, is that it’s emotionally manipulative bullshit.  Your average guy has jacked off every single fucking night since he was 13 – what difference is one more night going to make?  It doesn’t feel as good, but I mean, it doesn’t feel *bad* does it?  Guys have a way of making you feel so guilty about this, but when you think about this afterwards you realize that they’re assholes.  The one time that comes to my mind is when I was going down on this guy (do I talk about my own sex life too much?  whatever – it’s my blog) anyway, I was going down on this guy, and he was taking a while, and I was tired, and I just said “I’m tired, I want to stop.”  He totally laid down the whole guilt trip thing, about how he would be frustrated, and it wouldn’t feel as good if he masturbated and blah blah blah.  Me being me, I got pissed off and we got in an argument, but deep down (although I didn’t admit it) I actually felt sort of bad about it.  But when I thought about it over the next few days it dawned on me what an asshole he was.  You see, whenever we had sex, I didn’t orgasm.  I had to finish myself off.  Whenever he went down on me I didn’t orgasm, I had to help out or finish myself off.  So why was what was good enough for me not good enough for him?

And I am sure this is not just me, because apparently something like 75% of women don’t orgasm from vaginal sex alone.  So what does that mean?  That means that they are either not orgasming, or have to give themselves a bit of a hand every now and then.  So you know what?  If you’re a guy and you’re turned on with a girl but she’s just not feeling it anymore, fucking suck it up or just jack off because women have been putting up with difficulty orgasming for ages.  And shut the fuck up about all this cock tease bullshit because you know what, hard though it may be to absorb, it’s not about making boys miserable,  it’s about turning girls on. So let her turn you on, but if she doesn’t want to go further, just be nice about it.

But, don’t take my word for it, see what Mystery (that master of pickup and seduction) has to say about it, just keep in mind you may not want to take all his evolutionary psychology bullshit at face value.

Bettie Page just died at the age of 85, and I never really knew too much about her (after all, who did?) but something about her always caught my imagination.

One of the most interesting things about her was that, at least in recent years, women seemed to like her as much as (if not more than) men did.  What was it about Bettie Page that appealed to women when so many modern day erotic models seem so repulsive?

Is it that her retro sexuality is tame and unthreatening compared to the women seen in modern images?  Is it that her body, natural and unravished by plastic surgery, reminds us more of our own bodies than those of iconic women now?  Do we admire her for her courage to model for photographs that were unacceptable at the time?  Do we just like to see a sexy woman with black hair when it’s common knowledge that gentlemen prefer blondes? 

Bettie Page once remarked that young women told her that she helped them come out of their shells.  Her legacy seems important because she unifies people with diverging views on sexuality.  Hailed by feminists, Hugh Hefner, and many people in between, she may hold the key to healing a sexual schism that exists in erotica today.  If we can answer the question why we like Bettie Page, perhaps we can learn to differentiate between pornography that degrades and pornography that inspires.

What I see in Bettie Page is a woman, not a girl, with her own mind and desires.  She became famous when she was around 28 and remained popular until she was about 34 when she decided to stop modeling for photographs but was still widely popular.  Unapologetic and unashamed of who she was, she said “I was just myself. I didn’t know any other way to be, or any other way to live.”

She seems a far cry from the “barely legal” models of today who often don’t have the emotional maturity to fully appreciate what they’re doing.  Apparently, the average age of first orgasm for women is 18 (here) and so the young girls you often see in porn are, in a way, sexual infants.  Once I asked a friend of mine who was a stripper how old the girls were at her club, and she said that there weren’t any over about 27.  Bettie Page didn’t really get started until she was 28!

In this perfection-oriented photoshop world, we can synthesize “ideal” women with perfect skin, hair, eyes, and breasts.  But these synthesized women have no minds and no desires – they seem as soulless as androids.  The young women in porn almost come across the same way – they look beautiful and perfect, but their desire seems fake and overdone as if they don’t know what real sex is like.  To me, pornography becomes degrading when the desires of the women acting in it are obviously unimportant to the eroticism of it.

Bettie Page always seemed to be herself regardless of what pictures she was in.  Whether she was posing on a beach, modeling with a whip in hand, or being spanked by a severe looking woman, she always seemed innocent and unashamed.  Her pictures were an expression of some sort of inner essence she exuded which inspired women to express their own natures, instead of an embodiment of an impossible ideal that can only serve to highlight the supposed flaws of the real.

boredinbedI have about a million theories on why women lose their sex drive, some more conventional than others.  Let’s start with the one that annoys me the most.

Birth Control and Female Sexual Arousal Disorder

Most of my female friends and I found that our sex drives plummeted when we started birth control (although a few said they didn’t notice anything).  Some of them put up with it anyway, and others stopped using it.  Despite the fact that often our doctors were mostly dismissive of our complaints, we now have science to back us up (look here).  For a while, it’s been reported that women on birth control have lowered libidos while they are actually taking the pill, but it was just assumed that once a woman went off it her sex drive would return.  However, now there is also evidence that it can reduce the amount of testosterone in a woman’s blood longer term possibly reducing her sex drive for years!  That sucks!

Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD) is a recently discovered/invented disorder where women basically don’t get as horny anymore (see here).  It’s a little controversial because some people think it’s basically made up because something like up to 43% of women show some degree of FSAD.  How can it be a disorder when nearly half our female population displays it?  Probably the doctors are mostly horny men who expect women to act like porn stars and if we were just more understanding of women’s needs everything would just work out- damn that patriarchy!

But wait, maybe there’s another expectation.  You see, more than 80% of American women have been on birth control at some point (again, see here).   Maybe the high rates of FSAD are related to the high rates of birth control usage.  Maybe our pregnancy paranoia has actually caused a substantial percentage of our female population to come down with FSAD.  Anyway, I don’t use birth control anymore and I would highly advise anyone thinking about birth control to look into all the potential side effects because your doctor probably won’t tell you about them.

Long Term Relationships

Many people I know have also often noticed that a woman’s sex drive also wanes when she’s in a long term relationship.  In fact, some german study found the same thing – that essentially a woman’s sex drive drops when she’s in a secure relationship (here).  

I have a few theories on why this is.  My original and most basic theory was that sex with a new partner was better from some study I read ages ago that cited evidence that rats enjoyed sex more with new partners.  However, now there’s some other study that rats actually often prefer partners that are “better” rather than newer (it’s complicated, read here).  Also, anecdotally among the humans I know, sex with a new partner doesn’t usually seem better.  But, among people who are bad in bed, newer partners are probably better if humans are like rats…? Whatever.  

Anyway, the “newer is better” theory is out.  I think the original finding, that women have lower sex drives in secure relationships may be significant.  Supposedly arguments and makeup sex and whatever make things hotter (I can’t verify this myself as I don’t usually have the patience to stay around too long after a big argument).  Many people in long term relationships will start caving in to their partner’s will and there will be more silent resentment and less argument and this leads to no sex.  

But I have friends who argue far more than they fuck, so clearly that’s not everything.  My final theory, which is totally flaky but corresponds with my personal experience, is that on some level people don’t want what they can easily have.  Usually women end up in this situation where whenever they are even slightly horny the guy they’re with is like “oh god, thank you thank you thank you” and instantly jumps them.  So, they never value sex because they know anytime they want it they can have it.  I was giving advice to a male friend of mine who is dating a not so horny girl, and I told him that sometimes he should be the one to cut the makeout sessions short (in a very nice non-offensive way like “I have work, I should really go now”).  Essentially, he wants to leave her wanting more rather than wishing it had finished sooner.  He groaned, and said that would be incredibly difficult to do.  But that’s why it works – all guys find it difficult to do!  Ideally, you never want to pressure a girl for sex because it makes you seem desperate and usually comes across as unattractive.  Conversely, guys who are very relaxed about getting laid seem more worldly – there’s almost a feeling of “why doesn’t he care?  am I not good enough?  is he getting laid somewhere else?” and they have more power.  A desperate guy essentially lets his girlfriend completely control his sex life, a guy who occasionally says “I’m not really in the mood tonight,” signals that he is equally in control. 

I suppose that was really two theories, not a million.  There must be some other aspect to this that I’m not fully understanding though because neither explains lesbian bed death (as lesbians are usually not on birth control and don’t deal with male-female dynamics.)  It’s possible that lesbian relationships often seem very secure, so the security issue is a bigger one with lesbians but I’m not sure.  I will have to ponder this.